A Great Insult

One of the all-time great "fat" jokes. Fred Murtz, from I love Lucy, tells Ethel, "If route 66 were round, I could roll you back to New York."

Random Memory Alert

Today at work, I tried to toss a crumbled up piece of paper into a waste basket at really close range and missed. Two other people working there playfully laughed at me, and it reminded me of the 8th grade.

I tried out for the Woodrow Wilson Middle School basketball team the first year that there was a Woodrow Wilson Middle School basketball team. They announced that they would be taking fifteen player and help three days of open tryouts. Eighteen individuals came out. So, they would be taking fifteen out of eighteen people. Meaning, they were only cutting three. And I was one of the three poeple who got cut.

It's really hilarious, looking back on it, that I wanted to try out for the basketball team. I have little to no hand/coordination. I am not very tall and can't jump very high. Looking at me, I am the last person you'd expect to be a basketball player. I guess I just really liked basketball at the time.

Bananas Go Bye?!?!

http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2008-06/can-fruit-be-saved

Anyone who has ever spoken to me about my opinions of bananas knows that I am no fan of the fruit. In fact, on more than one occasion I have argued that it is not a fruit at all, using the simple logic that all fruits must meet 3 requirements:

1. Must contain seeds.
2. Must grow from the earth.
3. Must be delicious.

Bananas only fulfill two of the requirements.

But, this news is shocking even for me. Apparently, the banana is very much in danger of becoming extinct. And this article isn't the only one that thinks so. When I type in a google search for "bananas extinct", it gets 132,000 hits. Many of the articles predict the end of the banana in as early as ten years from now!

When I was a kid, I once ate a banana and vomited, and have had a mental block on bananas ever since. Even so, it seems so weird that something we encounter so much in our every day life may no longer exist in ten short years. I know a lot of people who will be pretty upset about this. Personally though, I can only shed a single token tear for the worst of all fruits.

My Resolution

Hey guys. I've been spending a lot of time writing lately. Mostly sketches, but also some essays. I'm making it part of my daily routine to do a lot of writting every single day. And so, in the spirit of this, part of my New Year's Resolution is to start using this blog more. I'm going to try to update it consistantly and also post a few of my essays and stuff here. So readers of this blog, if there are any, will be getting a lot more material out of me this upcoming year. If anyone ever has any feedback to offer, it would be greatly appreciated. You can either comment here on my blog, email me at gulyacomedy@yahoo.com or brandongulya@gmail.com, or message me on facebook.

Today I got in trouble for writing, kinda. I currently work at Panera Bread in Woodbridge, New Jersey. I was making sandwiches when I got the idea for a sketch. Actually, I wrote an entire sketch in my head. Normally I just get an idea for the game of a sketch and then I start writing. But for this one, I knew mentally what I wanted for every beat of the sketch, and I got really excited about it. I decided I needed to write notes about it before I forgot any of it. So, I went into the back to jot it down. I ended up taking about five minutes and jotting down notes for every beat including some dialogue. When I went back to my station there were five costumers waiting for their sandwiches. My boss had started to make them and was a little mad. Whatever. It was worth it. I just finished writing the full sketch right before I did this blog post.

My Favorite Paragraph Ever

My youngest brother Andrew (recently accepted into Rutgers!) found an old story today that he wrote when he was ten. I remember the story well. It is called "The Evil Witch" and was the subject of much laughter when first he read it to myself and my brother Jason eight years ago. Upon re-reading the piece, I recall that it contains my favorite paragraph ever.

"On Tuesday Billy came over. A witch came. She killed Billy and left. On Wednesday I went to the park."

Somewhat Embarressing Story

So three nights ago, the night before Christmas Eve, I got really drunk at a party with a few of my friends. My good friend Emily drove me home. When I say I was drunk, I mean I was embarressingly drunk. I do not drink very often at all so it hit me pretty hard.

It was, first of all, a mistake to drink at all this night since I had work at 6:30 AM at Panera. But, I usually don't care about being tired at work since it is nonsense work. And I didn't think I was going to drink that much anyway. But I did.

I have very rarely been intoxicated to the point of not being able to remember events, but on this night I have no memory of what happened between being dropped off at my house and waking up at 10:30 the following morning.

Obviously, I had not set off my alarm and had missed work. I probably would have slept until into the afternoon if it weren't for my mom accidentally waking me up. I awoke to the sounds of my mom walking into my room whispering to someone, "I have no idea where it would be. I guess I'll check Brandon's room, but I don't know why it would be here." After hearing this, I noticed that I was laying in bed wrapped, not in my blanket, but my mom's table cloth.

To be fair, the table cloth did not come straight from the table, but had been left folded on the couch in my living room. My mom just laughed. Panera, on the other hand, was kinda mad.

You Didn't Ask

For this random reference. But I've been watching LOST a lot lately. And the way my cat reacted to waking up and finding our christmas tree in the house was exactly the same way John Locke reacted to finding the hatch on the island.

and also Olive the Other Reindeer

Speaking of obscure but excellent Christmas Season viewing choices, you should check out Olive the Other Reindeer. It was an animated television special, but has since been released on DVD. The plot concerns a dog named Olive, voiced by Drew Barrymore(!), who hears Santa Clause saying on the radio that one of his reindeer are sick and "We need to count on all of the other reindeer."

The main joke is that Olive mis-hears him and rather than "all of the other reindeer" thinks he said "Olive the other reindeer"! So, determined not the let down Santa Clause, the little dog travels accross the world to the North Pole. Along her adventure, she meets a bus driver who aides her on her quest. The bus driver claims he understands Olive's troubles because "I used to think the pledge of allegence was about me, Richard Stans."

Lots of fun.

Jack Frost

is GREAT. I speak not of the 1998 Michael Keaten film, but rather of the 1979 claymation masterpiece. I have it on DVD and will most definitely be watching it this week. Not only is it hilarious and charming, it contains the line "if only I had a team of horses to pull my cart instead of a dog and a duck". Regardless of your denomination, it would do you well to check it out.

Just Married

I parked my car in the parking lot of Panera (where I still work) today and, while I was working, it begin to snow. When I returned to my car, someone had written in the snow on my dashboard the message "Just Married". That is a GOOD prank. Not mean at all. About something joyous. Those kids are funny.

Also, if you are concerned with happiness, come see my sketch group Lady Suit perform at UCB at 11PM tomorrow (wednesday) night. Show is free. Other performers include Fran Gillespie, Dominic Dierkes, Gavin Speiler, Gil Ozeri, and Eliza Skinner.

A Bigger Dark Knight Fan Than I

I loved The Dark Knight. It was one of my favorite movies in a while. But I apparently didn't love it as much as this guy...

Josh Tyler of CinemaBlend.com, concerned with The Dark Knight's lack of nominations in year-end film awards thus far, writes:

"In any year, but especially in this, a particularly weak year, there's nothing out there which compares to "The Dark Knight." It must transcend your petty big box office biases since it has already changed the way we think about movies forever. It's more than the best movie of the year, it's one of the best movies ever made. Snub it and there will be consequences."

I really want to know who Josh Tyler thinks is going to read this and change their mind. I also want to know what these consequences he speaks of are. Josh, if you are reading this, calm down sir. Calm down.

Lady Suit

I've briefly mentioned on this blog my new sketch group, Lady Suit. It's me along with four other former members of Charlie Sanders 201 Sketch class. It's still in the experimental stage right now, as we're just working on some sketches and patching up some old ones to try out. We aren't set up for any full-length shows yet, but we are testing some stuff out at School Nights at UCB Theatre in NYC. School Night is a late night (11PM) variety type show every wednesday, featuring sketch groups, improv teams, stand-ups and more. Arj Barker, Demitri Martin, and lots of others have showed up to do sets. It's completely free and pretty much always a fun show.

We're doing a couple sketches next Wednesday Dec 17th. You should come check it out. I'll let you know of future dates and remind you of this one.

I'll also be doing stand-up at the Pinch in NYC on tuesday Dec 16th, and will be a part of the final Quaint Little Coffee Shop show of the year on Thursday Dec 18th at 8PM at the Cabaret Theatre in New Brunswick. The pinch show is free and QLCS is $5.

Thanks for accepting this plug.

Worst Facebook Event Ever

This is hilarious.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=35753567477&ref=nf

According to this, Dec. 18th is "International Answer The Phone Like Buddy The Elf Day". Buddy the Elf, as some of you may recall, was Will Farrel's character in the movie Elf, that christmas movie that came out in 2003.

The description of the event reminds us that Buddy always answered the phone, "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color" and encourages us, on this official day, to answer the phone this way as well.

I've seen the movie and didn't remember that the elf answered the phone that way, or that his name was Buddy, until I read it in this event.