Wednesday, December 31, 2008
A Great Insult
One of the all-time great "fat" jokes. Fred Murtz, from I love Lucy, tells Ethel, "If route 66 were round, I could roll you back to New York."
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Random Memory Alert
Today at work, I tried to toss a crumbled up piece of paper into a waste basket at really close range and missed. Two other people working there playfully laughed at me, and it reminded me of the 8th grade.
I tried out for the Woodrow Wilson Middle School basketball team the first year that there was a Woodrow Wilson Middle School basketball team. They announced that they would be taking fifteen player and help three days of open tryouts. Eighteen individuals came out. So, they would be taking fifteen out of eighteen people. Meaning, they were only cutting three. And I was one of the three poeple who got cut.
It's really hilarious, looking back on it, that I wanted to try out for the basketball team. I have little to no hand/coordination. I am not very tall and can't jump very high. Looking at me, I am the last person you'd expect to be a basketball player. I guess I just really liked basketball at the time.
I tried out for the Woodrow Wilson Middle School basketball team the first year that there was a Woodrow Wilson Middle School basketball team. They announced that they would be taking fifteen player and help three days of open tryouts. Eighteen individuals came out. So, they would be taking fifteen out of eighteen people. Meaning, they were only cutting three. And I was one of the three poeple who got cut.
It's really hilarious, looking back on it, that I wanted to try out for the basketball team. I have little to no hand/coordination. I am not very tall and can't jump very high. Looking at me, I am the last person you'd expect to be a basketball player. I guess I just really liked basketball at the time.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Bananas Go Bye?!?!
http://www.popsci.com/scitech/article/2008-06/can-fruit-be-saved
Anyone who has ever spoken to me about my opinions of bananas knows that I am no fan of the fruit. In fact, on more than one occasion I have argued that it is not a fruit at all, using the simple logic that all fruits must meet 3 requirements:
1. Must contain seeds.
2. Must grow from the earth.
3. Must be delicious.
Bananas only fulfill two of the requirements.
But, this news is shocking even for me. Apparently, the banana is very much in danger of becoming extinct. And this article isn't the only one that thinks so. When I type in a google search for "bananas extinct", it gets 132,000 hits. Many of the articles predict the end of the banana in as early as ten years from now!
When I was a kid, I once ate a banana and vomited, and have had a mental block on bananas ever since. Even so, it seems so weird that something we encounter so much in our every day life may no longer exist in ten short years. I know a lot of people who will be pretty upset about this. Personally though, I can only shed a single token tear for the worst of all fruits.
Anyone who has ever spoken to me about my opinions of bananas knows that I am no fan of the fruit. In fact, on more than one occasion I have argued that it is not a fruit at all, using the simple logic that all fruits must meet 3 requirements:
1. Must contain seeds.
2. Must grow from the earth.
3. Must be delicious.
Bananas only fulfill two of the requirements.
But, this news is shocking even for me. Apparently, the banana is very much in danger of becoming extinct. And this article isn't the only one that thinks so. When I type in a google search for "bananas extinct", it gets 132,000 hits. Many of the articles predict the end of the banana in as early as ten years from now!
When I was a kid, I once ate a banana and vomited, and have had a mental block on bananas ever since. Even so, it seems so weird that something we encounter so much in our every day life may no longer exist in ten short years. I know a lot of people who will be pretty upset about this. Personally though, I can only shed a single token tear for the worst of all fruits.
My Resolution
Hey guys. I've been spending a lot of time writing lately. Mostly sketches, but also some essays. I'm making it part of my daily routine to do a lot of writting every single day. And so, in the spirit of this, part of my New Year's Resolution is to start using this blog more. I'm going to try to update it consistantly and also post a few of my essays and stuff here. So readers of this blog, if there are any, will be getting a lot more material out of me this upcoming year. If anyone ever has any feedback to offer, it would be greatly appreciated. You can either comment here on my blog, email me at gulyacomedy@yahoo.com or brandongulya@gmail.com, or message me on facebook.
Today I got in trouble for writing, kinda. I currently work at Panera Bread in Woodbridge, New Jersey. I was making sandwiches when I got the idea for a sketch. Actually, I wrote an entire sketch in my head. Normally I just get an idea for the game of a sketch and then I start writing. But for this one, I knew mentally what I wanted for every beat of the sketch, and I got really excited about it. I decided I needed to write notes about it before I forgot any of it. So, I went into the back to jot it down. I ended up taking about five minutes and jotting down notes for every beat including some dialogue. When I went back to my station there were five costumers waiting for their sandwiches. My boss had started to make them and was a little mad. Whatever. It was worth it. I just finished writing the full sketch right before I did this blog post.
Today I got in trouble for writing, kinda. I currently work at Panera Bread in Woodbridge, New Jersey. I was making sandwiches when I got the idea for a sketch. Actually, I wrote an entire sketch in my head. Normally I just get an idea for the game of a sketch and then I start writing. But for this one, I knew mentally what I wanted for every beat of the sketch, and I got really excited about it. I decided I needed to write notes about it before I forgot any of it. So, I went into the back to jot it down. I ended up taking about five minutes and jotting down notes for every beat including some dialogue. When I went back to my station there were five costumers waiting for their sandwiches. My boss had started to make them and was a little mad. Whatever. It was worth it. I just finished writing the full sketch right before I did this blog post.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
My Favorite Paragraph Ever
My youngest brother Andrew (recently accepted into Rutgers!) found an old story today that he wrote when he was ten. I remember the story well. It is called "The Evil Witch" and was the subject of much laughter when first he read it to myself and my brother Jason eight years ago. Upon re-reading the piece, I recall that it contains my favorite paragraph ever.
"On Tuesday Billy came over. A witch came. She killed Billy and left. On Wednesday I went to the park."
"On Tuesday Billy came over. A witch came. She killed Billy and left. On Wednesday I went to the park."
Friday, December 26, 2008
Somewhat Embarressing Story
So three nights ago, the night before Christmas Eve, I got really drunk at a party with a few of my friends. My good friend Emily drove me home. When I say I was drunk, I mean I was embarressingly drunk. I do not drink very often at all so it hit me pretty hard.
It was, first of all, a mistake to drink at all this night since I had work at 6:30 AM at Panera. But, I usually don't care about being tired at work since it is nonsense work. And I didn't think I was going to drink that much anyway. But I did.
I have very rarely been intoxicated to the point of not being able to remember events, but on this night I have no memory of what happened between being dropped off at my house and waking up at 10:30 the following morning.
Obviously, I had not set off my alarm and had missed work. I probably would have slept until into the afternoon if it weren't for my mom accidentally waking me up. I awoke to the sounds of my mom walking into my room whispering to someone, "I have no idea where it would be. I guess I'll check Brandon's room, but I don't know why it would be here." After hearing this, I noticed that I was laying in bed wrapped, not in my blanket, but my mom's table cloth.
To be fair, the table cloth did not come straight from the table, but had been left folded on the couch in my living room. My mom just laughed. Panera, on the other hand, was kinda mad.
It was, first of all, a mistake to drink at all this night since I had work at 6:30 AM at Panera. But, I usually don't care about being tired at work since it is nonsense work. And I didn't think I was going to drink that much anyway. But I did.
I have very rarely been intoxicated to the point of not being able to remember events, but on this night I have no memory of what happened between being dropped off at my house and waking up at 10:30 the following morning.
Obviously, I had not set off my alarm and had missed work. I probably would have slept until into the afternoon if it weren't for my mom accidentally waking me up. I awoke to the sounds of my mom walking into my room whispering to someone, "I have no idea where it would be. I guess I'll check Brandon's room, but I don't know why it would be here." After hearing this, I noticed that I was laying in bed wrapped, not in my blanket, but my mom's table cloth.
To be fair, the table cloth did not come straight from the table, but had been left folded on the couch in my living room. My mom just laughed. Panera, on the other hand, was kinda mad.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
You Didn't Ask
For this random reference. But I've been watching LOST a lot lately. And the way my cat reacted to waking up and finding our christmas tree in the house was exactly the same way John Locke reacted to finding the hatch on the island.
and also Olive the Other Reindeer
Speaking of obscure but excellent Christmas Season viewing choices, you should check out Olive the Other Reindeer. It was an animated television special, but has since been released on DVD. The plot concerns a dog named Olive, voiced by Drew Barrymore(!), who hears Santa Clause saying on the radio that one of his reindeer are sick and "We need to count on all of the other reindeer."
The main joke is that Olive mis-hears him and rather than "all of the other reindeer" thinks he said "Olive the other reindeer"! So, determined not the let down Santa Clause, the little dog travels accross the world to the North Pole. Along her adventure, she meets a bus driver who aides her on her quest. The bus driver claims he understands Olive's troubles because "I used to think the pledge of allegence was about me, Richard Stans."
Lots of fun.
The main joke is that Olive mis-hears him and rather than "all of the other reindeer" thinks he said "Olive the other reindeer"! So, determined not the let down Santa Clause, the little dog travels accross the world to the North Pole. Along her adventure, she meets a bus driver who aides her on her quest. The bus driver claims he understands Olive's troubles because "I used to think the pledge of allegence was about me, Richard Stans."
Lots of fun.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Jack Frost
is GREAT. I speak not of the 1998 Michael Keaten film, but rather of the 1979 claymation masterpiece. I have it on DVD and will most definitely be watching it this week. Not only is it hilarious and charming, it contains the line "if only I had a team of horses to pull my cart instead of a dog and a duck". Regardless of your denomination, it would do you well to check it out.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Just Married
I parked my car in the parking lot of Panera (where I still work) today and, while I was working, it begin to snow. When I returned to my car, someone had written in the snow on my dashboard the message "Just Married". That is a GOOD prank. Not mean at all. About something joyous. Those kids are funny.
Also, if you are concerned with happiness, come see my sketch group Lady Suit perform at UCB at 11PM tomorrow (wednesday) night. Show is free. Other performers include Fran Gillespie, Dominic Dierkes, Gavin Speiler, Gil Ozeri, and Eliza Skinner.
Also, if you are concerned with happiness, come see my sketch group Lady Suit perform at UCB at 11PM tomorrow (wednesday) night. Show is free. Other performers include Fran Gillespie, Dominic Dierkes, Gavin Speiler, Gil Ozeri, and Eliza Skinner.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
A Bigger Dark Knight Fan Than I
I loved The Dark Knight. It was one of my favorite movies in a while. But I apparently didn't love it as much as this guy...
Josh Tyler of CinemaBlend.com, concerned with The Dark Knight's lack of nominations in year-end film awards thus far, writes:
"In any year, but especially in this, a particularly weak year, there's nothing out there which compares to "The Dark Knight." It must transcend your petty big box office biases since it has already changed the way we think about movies forever. It's more than the best movie of the year, it's one of the best movies ever made. Snub it and there will be consequences."
I really want to know who Josh Tyler thinks is going to read this and change their mind. I also want to know what these consequences he speaks of are. Josh, if you are reading this, calm down sir. Calm down.
Josh Tyler of CinemaBlend.com, concerned with The Dark Knight's lack of nominations in year-end film awards thus far, writes:
"In any year, but especially in this, a particularly weak year, there's nothing out there which compares to "The Dark Knight." It must transcend your petty big box office biases since it has already changed the way we think about movies forever. It's more than the best movie of the year, it's one of the best movies ever made. Snub it and there will be consequences."
I really want to know who Josh Tyler thinks is going to read this and change their mind. I also want to know what these consequences he speaks of are. Josh, if you are reading this, calm down sir. Calm down.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Lady Suit
I've briefly mentioned on this blog my new sketch group, Lady Suit. It's me along with four other former members of Charlie Sanders 201 Sketch class. It's still in the experimental stage right now, as we're just working on some sketches and patching up some old ones to try out. We aren't set up for any full-length shows yet, but we are testing some stuff out at School Nights at UCB Theatre in NYC. School Night is a late night (11PM) variety type show every wednesday, featuring sketch groups, improv teams, stand-ups and more. Arj Barker, Demitri Martin, and lots of others have showed up to do sets. It's completely free and pretty much always a fun show.
We're doing a couple sketches next Wednesday Dec 17th. You should come check it out. I'll let you know of future dates and remind you of this one.
I'll also be doing stand-up at the Pinch in NYC on tuesday Dec 16th, and will be a part of the final Quaint Little Coffee Shop show of the year on Thursday Dec 18th at 8PM at the Cabaret Theatre in New Brunswick. The pinch show is free and QLCS is $5.
Thanks for accepting this plug.
We're doing a couple sketches next Wednesday Dec 17th. You should come check it out. I'll let you know of future dates and remind you of this one.
I'll also be doing stand-up at the Pinch in NYC on tuesday Dec 16th, and will be a part of the final Quaint Little Coffee Shop show of the year on Thursday Dec 18th at 8PM at the Cabaret Theatre in New Brunswick. The pinch show is free and QLCS is $5.
Thanks for accepting this plug.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Worst Facebook Event Ever
This is hilarious.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=35753567477&ref=nf
According to this, Dec. 18th is "International Answer The Phone Like Buddy The Elf Day". Buddy the Elf, as some of you may recall, was Will Farrel's character in the movie Elf, that christmas movie that came out in 2003.
The description of the event reminds us that Buddy always answered the phone, "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color" and encourages us, on this official day, to answer the phone this way as well.
I've seen the movie and didn't remember that the elf answered the phone that way, or that his name was Buddy, until I read it in this event.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=35753567477&ref=nf
According to this, Dec. 18th is "International Answer The Phone Like Buddy The Elf Day". Buddy the Elf, as some of you may recall, was Will Farrel's character in the movie Elf, that christmas movie that came out in 2003.
The description of the event reminds us that Buddy always answered the phone, "Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color" and encourages us, on this official day, to answer the phone this way as well.
I've seen the movie and didn't remember that the elf answered the phone that way, or that his name was Buddy, until I read it in this event.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Comedy Shows
My friends Jeff and Edwin, as well as myself, opened for the very funny Bo Burnham last thursday. The show went really well and the audience was great. I was happy that a bunch of people I know were at the show whom I didn't even know would be there. Thanks guys!
Here's a list of my open-to-the-public, upcoming shows I know about right now.
Friday, November 26th: Doing improv with And More! Improv. Only $5 at the Edison Valley Playhouse. Show is at 10PM.
Wednesday, December 3rd: Performing a short set with my sketch group Lady Suit, which is just starting up, at School Night at the UCB Theatre in NYC. Show is FREE at 11PM.
Thursday, December 4th: Quaint Little Coffee Shop is performing a long-form improv set in a comedy show at Demarest, which is a dormitory at Rutgers University. The night begins at 8PM. IT IS FREE!
Saturday, December 6th: I'm a finalist in the New Jersey Stand-Up Comedy Festival. The show is at 8PM at The Pollak Theatre at Monmoth University, NJ. It is $5 and will feature myself plus the 24 other comedians I'm competing against.
Wednesday, December 17th: Lady Suit will be doing it's second spot at School Night at the UCB Theatre in NYC! Once again this show is free and starts at 11PM. Big comedians are always in these shows, so check it out!
Thursday, December 18th: The final Quaint Little Coffee Shop show of the year. Featuring the special guests Death By Improv and, as always, FREE COFFEE. Only $5, for about a trillion dollars worth of enjoyment. Strongly suggested you attend.
That's all, dudes. I'm looking to add more stand-up shows. I'll update this as I do.
Here's a list of my open-to-the-public, upcoming shows I know about right now.
Friday, November 26th: Doing improv with And More! Improv. Only $5 at the Edison Valley Playhouse. Show is at 10PM.
Wednesday, December 3rd: Performing a short set with my sketch group Lady Suit, which is just starting up, at School Night at the UCB Theatre in NYC. Show is FREE at 11PM.
Thursday, December 4th: Quaint Little Coffee Shop is performing a long-form improv set in a comedy show at Demarest, which is a dormitory at Rutgers University. The night begins at 8PM. IT IS FREE!
Saturday, December 6th: I'm a finalist in the New Jersey Stand-Up Comedy Festival. The show is at 8PM at The Pollak Theatre at Monmoth University, NJ. It is $5 and will feature myself plus the 24 other comedians I'm competing against.
Wednesday, December 17th: Lady Suit will be doing it's second spot at School Night at the UCB Theatre in NYC! Once again this show is free and starts at 11PM. Big comedians are always in these shows, so check it out!
Thursday, December 18th: The final Quaint Little Coffee Shop show of the year. Featuring the special guests Death By Improv and, as always, FREE COFFEE. Only $5, for about a trillion dollars worth of enjoyment. Strongly suggested you attend.
That's all, dudes. I'm looking to add more stand-up shows. I'll update this as I do.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I Am Proud
I am proud for a multitude of reasons to live in an America where Barak Obama was elected president last night.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Home In Thought
The last poem I have from my Freshman year poetry class, all of which I found in a folder in my closet recently. Enjoy this. I'm a pretty shitty poet.
Home In Thought
How different we are that you would read a great poem and say it's almost like a
painting. And I will look at a painting and call it poetic.
I came to your house last night
Even though you weren't expecting me
Even though I shouldn't have gone
And explained something to you that you didn't understand.
But I love you anyway.
Home In Thought
How different we are that you would read a great poem and say it's almost like a
painting. And I will look at a painting and call it poetic.
I came to your house last night
Even though you weren't expecting me
Even though I shouldn't have gone
And explained something to you that you didn't understand.
But I love you anyway.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Another Old Poem, This One About a Bird!
Strangely enough, if you were to ask me two weeks ago about the poems I wrote in my freshman class, this is the only one I would have remembered in detail. Looking back, I have no idea what made me want to write this poem. But, observing the teacher's comments below, I got a solid A and the words "Excellent idea and execution" are listed. So, take that mofos! The nineteen year old me was much smarter than the current version of me, though. I don't think I get my poem anymore.
Some Impeccable Bird
I took a walk on the beach, the other day, when I spotted a small bird. I couldn't tell what kind of bird it was. I thought it might have been a pigeon. I stared and I gawked and I thought about the bird. And after I thought about it, I gawked and I stared some more. Pigeons aren't supposed to be on the beach, I thought. Seagulls are. If pigeons start taking over the beach, where will all the seagulls go? I started toward the intruding bird to see if it would move. At that moment, a uniformed officer approached me and informed me that the beach was closed and I wasn't supposed to be there. Maybe beaches are only for the seagulls.
Some Impeccable Bird
I took a walk on the beach, the other day, when I spotted a small bird. I couldn't tell what kind of bird it was. I thought it might have been a pigeon. I stared and I gawked and I thought about the bird. And after I thought about it, I gawked and I stared some more. Pigeons aren't supposed to be on the beach, I thought. Seagulls are. If pigeons start taking over the beach, where will all the seagulls go? I started toward the intruding bird to see if it would move. At that moment, a uniformed officer approached me and informed me that the beach was closed and I wasn't supposed to be there. Maybe beaches are only for the seagulls.
Monday, October 27, 2008
My Freshman Year Poetry # 4
This is probably the worst poem ever.
The Stuff I Carry
A schedule to tell me
Where to be
A wallet so I
Know where I am
And a phone
In case I am needed somewhere else
The Stuff I Carry
A schedule to tell me
Where to be
A wallet so I
Know where I am
And a phone
In case I am needed somewhere else
I LOVE THIS
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbIGbZ6gq_Y
This is just a great bit. He came up with it just in conversation with Conan, but I hope it ends up in his stand-up.
This is just a great bit. He came up with it just in conversation with Conan, but I hope it ends up in his stand-up.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
More of My Old Poetry!
So, for those of you who are just starting to read these, I found a folder of poetry I wrote during my Creative Writing-Poetry class freshman year at Rutgers, four years ago. And I am sharing one a day. This one is fucking deep! And I specifically remember my teacher gasping out loud at the last sentence, the first time I read it to the class.
Note: "Your heart is made of burnt meatloaf" is the best sentence I've ever written.
The Gravy
Why is there gravy on the floor?
The table setting is wrong.
You didn't let the dog out. I told you
But you didn't.
The milk is spoiled.
The milk is spoiled. You didn't
Buy the right kind.
Why is there gravy on the floor?
You don't listen
To me when I talk.
Your heart is made of burnt meatloaf. I told you
All about that thing,
The one you were so angry about.
But you didn't listen.
Why is there gravy on the floor?
Why is there gravy on the floor?
You didn't do what I told you to do.
And why is there gravy on the floor.
I saw you with her.
I SAW you with her.
why is there gravy on the floor the table setting is wrong you didn't let the dog out I told you to but you didn't the milk is spoiled THE MILK IS SPOILED you didn't buy the right kind WhY is THERE GRAVY ON THE FLOOR YOU don't HAVE A HEART you don't listen to me when I talk I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT THAT THING the one you were so angry about but you DIDN'T LISTEN why is there gravy on the floor WHY IS THERE GRAVY ON THE FLOOR you didn't do what I told you to do and why is there gravy ON THE FLOOR
My mom came to me yesterday and complained about the garbage never going out.
Fuck, I said. I'll take the garbage out.
But, then you have to divorce dad.
Note: "Your heart is made of burnt meatloaf" is the best sentence I've ever written.
The Gravy
Why is there gravy on the floor?
The table setting is wrong.
You didn't let the dog out. I told you
But you didn't.
The milk is spoiled.
The milk is spoiled. You didn't
Buy the right kind.
Why is there gravy on the floor?
You don't listen
To me when I talk.
Your heart is made of burnt meatloaf. I told you
All about that thing,
The one you were so angry about.
But you didn't listen.
Why is there gravy on the floor?
Why is there gravy on the floor?
You didn't do what I told you to do.
And why is there gravy on the floor.
I saw you with her.
I SAW you with her.
why is there gravy on the floor the table setting is wrong you didn't let the dog out I told you to but you didn't the milk is spoiled THE MILK IS SPOILED you didn't buy the right kind WhY is THERE GRAVY ON THE FLOOR YOU don't HAVE A HEART you don't listen to me when I talk I TOLD YOU ALL ABOUT THAT THING the one you were so angry about but you DIDN'T LISTEN why is there gravy on the floor WHY IS THERE GRAVY ON THE FLOOR you didn't do what I told you to do and why is there gravy ON THE FLOOR
My mom came to me yesterday and complained about the garbage never going out.
Fuck, I said. I'll take the garbage out.
But, then you have to divorce dad.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
My old poetry #2
Here's another of the poems I wrote in my freshman year poetry class. Just so everyone knows, both of these first two poems earned me A minuses. Enjoy!
In The Room
The room was white
I was there four half an hour
It was said to be a waiting room
A small child pulled my tail
I wanted to go
I finally did
Where I am now is also white
There is a poster on the wall
A man is opening my mouth
Such is what I get for swallowing something that I could only assume would be soft
and tasty but was actually a small round disk made of metal
In The Room
The room was white
I was there four half an hour
It was said to be a waiting room
A small child pulled my tail
I wanted to go
I finally did
Where I am now is also white
There is a poster on the wall
A man is opening my mouth
Such is what I get for swallowing something that I could only assume would be soft
and tasty but was actually a small round disk made of metal
Friday, October 24, 2008
My Poetry of Four Years Ago
So, I was going through some papers in my room today and found an entire folder of poetry I wrote in my Creative Writing-Poetry class freshman year at Rutgers! All of it is like weird free-form poetry because that's what my teacher was into. A lot of it is pretty shitty, but some of it is suprisingly interesting. Anyhow, I'll be posting one of these a day until I run out of poems or feel like stopping. Remember, all of these were written BY ME four years ago. Here's todays:
Awakening to Your Dreams
In the corner of
An empty room with the lights off I watched
As Jake entered
He twitched when he met Johny
John Beamotta killed three men
Every morning while he brushed his teeth
He would sooner kill him than play rummy with him
And he would sooner play rummy with anyone
Than talk to or look at them
He took out a carrot and lit it
Jake Looked at him quizzically
"Cigarettes are cliche" said Johny
Staring into his eyes
Observing his bloody thirsty smile
His muscle pumped arms
Jake felt at home
The aroma of familiarity made Jake feel
Like he belonged somewhere
And then Johny shot him in the face
Awakening to Your Dreams
In the corner of
An empty room with the lights off I watched
As Jake entered
He twitched when he met Johny
John Beamotta killed three men
Every morning while he brushed his teeth
He would sooner kill him than play rummy with him
And he would sooner play rummy with anyone
Than talk to or look at them
He took out a carrot and lit it
Jake Looked at him quizzically
"Cigarettes are cliche" said Johny
Staring into his eyes
Observing his bloody thirsty smile
His muscle pumped arms
Jake felt at home
The aroma of familiarity made Jake feel
Like he belonged somewhere
And then Johny shot him in the face
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Obama and McCain
Watch these three parts. They both did some comedy at the Al Smith Dinner the other night! It is pretty funny. And they both say some pretty nice things about eachother, as well, which is good after all the dirty talk lately from the candidates. One things for sure: no matter who wins, our president will be able to do some pretty goos stand-up!
I know my blog has gotten a little political lately. But don't worry, I'll be back to writing about dildos soon enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Goaj5V4tZoc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrqoSyKsAPw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5SWQJWm6Tg&feature=related
I know my blog has gotten a little political lately. But don't worry, I'll be back to writing about dildos soon enough.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Goaj5V4tZoc&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrqoSyKsAPw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5SWQJWm6Tg&feature=related
President Bush
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081018/ap_on_bi_ge/meltdown_bush
Headline: "Bush Says Economy Will Bounce Back in the Long Run".
Thanks for the reassurance dude! That's all we needed to here! You were a great president, after all.
Headline: "Bush Says Economy Will Bounce Back in the Long Run".
Thanks for the reassurance dude! That's all we needed to here! You were a great president, after all.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Debate Article
The Headline in The New York Times today is "Rivals Split, With Joe in the Middle". And the article contains the line, "It was Mr. McCain's last chance to cast doubt on his opponent's character and credentials, and he threw the kitchen sink at him- along with the plumber." I love this.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
A letter to the candidates from Joe The Plumber
Dear Barak Obama and John Mccain,
I want to thank you for dedicating so much of tonight's debate specifically to discussing my life, ambitions and misfortunes. I deeply appreciate that you care so much about my the future of my business and I know that it made Americans feel better to what you were both willing to do to earn my vote. Thank you for realizing that economic issues, specifically the taxing of small businesses, are issues that I, Joe The Plumber, care very much about. For your future reference, here are some other things that have been eating at me:
1. The neighbors dog won't shut up at night! Joe The Plumber works for a living and has to get up and 5:30 in the morning God Dammit! They should have a little respect.
2. My wife won't stop nagging me to take the garbage out! She should know that Joe The Plumber gets very busy and is very tired at the end of a long hard day. So if I say I'll do it in the morning, I'll do it in the morning.
3. There's this stain in my brand new carpet that won't come out no matter what I put on it.
4. It's impossible to park your car on the street these days! What's a Joe The Plumber gotta do to find some decent parking??
5. Ok, so there's this guy Sam Binkerton who lives down the street from me, right? Sam let's his kids run all over the neighborhood. And I don't usually mind, Joe The Plumber loves children. But recently, they ran through my garden and completely trampled my flowers. And I kinda want to say something, but at the same time I don't want to sound like I'm accusing his kids because they really are nice boys and I know they didn't do it on purpose, I just don't want it to happen again, ya know? So I could really use some advice.
6. Why are there so many Reality Television shows on TV? It seems like that's all the networks can come up with lately. Joe The Plumber is sick of it! You should tell the entertainment industry to get some God Damned creativity and start producing more evocative and stimulating programming.
7. We need a clear plan for troop removal in Iraq.
Thanks for hearing me out boys! Over the next three weeks I will carefully consider your offers and let both of you and America know what I have decided.
Sincerely,
Joe The Plumber
The Most Important Man In The Country
I want to thank you for dedicating so much of tonight's debate specifically to discussing my life, ambitions and misfortunes. I deeply appreciate that you care so much about my the future of my business and I know that it made Americans feel better to what you were both willing to do to earn my vote. Thank you for realizing that economic issues, specifically the taxing of small businesses, are issues that I, Joe The Plumber, care very much about. For your future reference, here are some other things that have been eating at me:
1. The neighbors dog won't shut up at night! Joe The Plumber works for a living and has to get up and 5:30 in the morning God Dammit! They should have a little respect.
2. My wife won't stop nagging me to take the garbage out! She should know that Joe The Plumber gets very busy and is very tired at the end of a long hard day. So if I say I'll do it in the morning, I'll do it in the morning.
3. There's this stain in my brand new carpet that won't come out no matter what I put on it.
4. It's impossible to park your car on the street these days! What's a Joe The Plumber gotta do to find some decent parking??
5. Ok, so there's this guy Sam Binkerton who lives down the street from me, right? Sam let's his kids run all over the neighborhood. And I don't usually mind, Joe The Plumber loves children. But recently, they ran through my garden and completely trampled my flowers. And I kinda want to say something, but at the same time I don't want to sound like I'm accusing his kids because they really are nice boys and I know they didn't do it on purpose, I just don't want it to happen again, ya know? So I could really use some advice.
6. Why are there so many Reality Television shows on TV? It seems like that's all the networks can come up with lately. Joe The Plumber is sick of it! You should tell the entertainment industry to get some God Damned creativity and start producing more evocative and stimulating programming.
7. We need a clear plan for troop removal in Iraq.
Thanks for hearing me out boys! Over the next three weeks I will carefully consider your offers and let both of you and America know what I have decided.
Sincerely,
Joe The Plumber
The Most Important Man In The Country
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Sarah Palin
She kinda won the debate tonight, right? Or at least held her own. This upsets both the liberal part of me, who wants Obama to be president, and the comedian part of me, who wanted to make fun of her.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Some comedy things I would like to talk about
Some comedy things have been happening lately both with me and in the world in general, and I would like to discuss them. I'll start with the me things.
1. I met and performed with Darrel Hamond. That's right, he showed up to that New Artist Showcase I did at Caroline’s Comedy Club last week. He did a set, and while he was performing, he gave me his bag to hold! After his set, when he retrieved his bag, he said "Good set, by the way" to me. It was like in a movie.
2. I am going to be in a staged reading at UCB theatre on Oct. 13th at 6:30 PM. My sketch 201 class will be reading some of the sketches we've been work-shopping the last six weeks. At least two of my sketches will be read. The show is only $5 and there will be two dollar beers for your enjoyment! If you come for my show and stay for Maude night, you will see A TOTAL OF three and a half hours of sketch comedy for A TOTAL OF ten dollars! Do that. I would.
3. I am opening for Bo Burnham on November 3rd! He is being booked by Rutgers, my old University, and I was booked to open for him along with Jeff Kornberg, Edwin Stabert, and John Bander! For those of you who don't know who Bo Burnham is, check out this funny video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LzgYWCgkZk. I'll be sharing a stage with him soon!
4. The QLCS show I was in Friday went very well. It was easily better than every show we did over the summer and is in the top three QLCS shows, if not my favorite. For those of us who remember and can differentiate between all of the 9 QLCS shows, that is. The sentence was only applicable if Chris Polansky is reading this blog. Our next show is next Friday, October 10th at 8PM, and you should come because the group is getting better.
5. I wrote 25 sketches in the month of September. To be fair, some of them were based off ideas I came up with during the Austin trip, which was before September. And a couple were sketches I wrote in class with a writing partner. But, that's still 25 new sketches. So, go me.
And now, comedy things in the world.
1. Mother ended. UCBs longest running show had it's finale on Saturday. I was in the audience. I've seen them maybe 6 or 7 times and I think this was the best. They did about an hour and a half of improv and earned like a 4 minute Standing-O when it was over. It was probably one of the most memorable, funny, and also emotional shows I've ever seen. Some of them were crying at the end. And it made me think how awesome it would be to work with people for so long and get that close to each other all while making comedy. It's pretty beautiful.
2. Bobby Moynihan joined the cast of SNL this year. Although the two episodes I've seen were not the best, he is doing awesomely. I fully predict him to become an SNL star in the vein of Chris Farley.
3. Derrick Comedy, a New York-based sketch and improv group, has filmed a feature film! It hasn't found a distributer yet, but they have a trailer up online. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxx1vOhlqmM. Check it out!
Ok, that's it for now.
Brandon
1. I met and performed with Darrel Hamond. That's right, he showed up to that New Artist Showcase I did at Caroline’s Comedy Club last week. He did a set, and while he was performing, he gave me his bag to hold! After his set, when he retrieved his bag, he said "Good set, by the way" to me. It was like in a movie.
2. I am going to be in a staged reading at UCB theatre on Oct. 13th at 6:30 PM. My sketch 201 class will be reading some of the sketches we've been work-shopping the last six weeks. At least two of my sketches will be read. The show is only $5 and there will be two dollar beers for your enjoyment! If you come for my show and stay for Maude night, you will see A TOTAL OF three and a half hours of sketch comedy for A TOTAL OF ten dollars! Do that. I would.
3. I am opening for Bo Burnham on November 3rd! He is being booked by Rutgers, my old University, and I was booked to open for him along with Jeff Kornberg, Edwin Stabert, and John Bander! For those of you who don't know who Bo Burnham is, check out this funny video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LzgYWCgkZk. I'll be sharing a stage with him soon!
4. The QLCS show I was in Friday went very well. It was easily better than every show we did over the summer and is in the top three QLCS shows, if not my favorite. For those of us who remember and can differentiate between all of the 9 QLCS shows, that is. The sentence was only applicable if Chris Polansky is reading this blog. Our next show is next Friday, October 10th at 8PM, and you should come because the group is getting better.
5. I wrote 25 sketches in the month of September. To be fair, some of them were based off ideas I came up with during the Austin trip, which was before September. And a couple were sketches I wrote in class with a writing partner. But, that's still 25 new sketches. So, go me.
And now, comedy things in the world.
1. Mother ended. UCBs longest running show had it's finale on Saturday. I was in the audience. I've seen them maybe 6 or 7 times and I think this was the best. They did about an hour and a half of improv and earned like a 4 minute Standing-O when it was over. It was probably one of the most memorable, funny, and also emotional shows I've ever seen. Some of them were crying at the end. And it made me think how awesome it would be to work with people for so long and get that close to each other all while making comedy. It's pretty beautiful.
2. Bobby Moynihan joined the cast of SNL this year. Although the two episodes I've seen were not the best, he is doing awesomely. I fully predict him to become an SNL star in the vein of Chris Farley.
3. Derrick Comedy, a New York-based sketch and improv group, has filmed a feature film! It hasn't found a distributer yet, but they have a trailer up online. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxx1vOhlqmM. Check it out!
Ok, that's it for now.
Brandon
Friday, September 19, 2008
Roger Ebert 2
So, in order to be the first blogger ever to deticate two posts in a row to film critic Roger Ebert, I direct you to this essay that ponders to necessity and vallidity of critics. It is a good read, very well written.
http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2008/09/critic_is_a_fourletter_word.html
http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2008/09/critic_is_a_fourletter_word.html
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Roger Ebert
Roger Ebert is my favorite film reviewer and probably my favorite pop culture writer of any kind. I've been reading his reviews for about six year now and always find them extremely stimulating. Because of his awesome website (rogerebert.com) I've also been able to go into his archives and read his old reviews of my favorite films. He is probably the best at discussing movies out of anyone I know of. Even if I disagree with his opinion, I can usually tell if I'd want to see a movie based on his description of it. I just have huge respect for anyone who loves something enough to do it for fifty years, and does it so well.
Also on his site is a bi-weekly question/answer segment called "The Answer Man", in which you can ask Roger Ebert any film question you want and he will answer some of them online. I've sent him a few questions and had one of them answered once. I've read almost all of these segments over the last six years I've been reading Ebert. There are a lot of entertaining ones.
He recieved the following question on Friday. It is one of the most ridiculous ones I've seen.
Question: Y o dude, u missed out on "Disaster Movie," a hardcore laugh-ur-@zz-off movie! Y U not review this movie!? It was funny as #ell! Prolly the funniest movie of the summer! U never review these, wat up wit dat?
S.J. Stanczak, Chicago
Roger Ebert: Hey, bro, I wuz buzier than $#i+, @d they never shoed it b4 hand. I peeped in the IMDb and saw it zoomed to #1 as the low$ie$t flic of all time, wit @ lame-@zz UZer Rating of 1.3. U liked it? Wat up wit dat?
I sincerely hope this corespondence continues.
Also on his site is a bi-weekly question/answer segment called "The Answer Man", in which you can ask Roger Ebert any film question you want and he will answer some of them online. I've sent him a few questions and had one of them answered once. I've read almost all of these segments over the last six years I've been reading Ebert. There are a lot of entertaining ones.
He recieved the following question on Friday. It is one of the most ridiculous ones I've seen.
Question: Y o dude, u missed out on "Disaster Movie," a hardcore laugh-ur-@zz-off movie! Y U not review this movie!? It was funny as #ell! Prolly the funniest movie of the summer! U never review these, wat up wit dat?
S.J. Stanczak, Chicago
Roger Ebert: Hey, bro, I wuz buzier than $#i+, @d they never shoed it b4 hand. I peeped in the IMDb and saw it zoomed to #1 as the low$ie$t flic of all time, wit @ lame-@zz UZer Rating of 1.3. U liked it? Wat up wit dat?
I sincerely hope this corespondence continues.
Monday, September 15, 2008
An IM Convo With My Friend Sahil
Brandon (1:46:16 AM): ooo
Brandon (1:46:36 AM): did you hear adam sandler is signed in the god father remake?
Sahil (1:46:45 AM): WHAAAAT
Brandon (1:46:46 AM): for the brother
Sahil (1:46:52 AM): which one?!
Brandon (1:47:04 AM): sony
Sahil (1:47:18 AM): that is very interesting
Sahil (1:47:23 AM): luke wilson is playing michael right?
Brandon (1:47:26 AM): yeah
Sahil (1:47:29 AM): and seth green is writing it
Brandon (1:48:03 AM): and julia roberts is working the boom mic
Brandon (1:48:09 AM): should be a really good movie
Sahil (1:48:18 AM): fo sho fo sho
Sahil (1:48:28 AM): probably should win all the oscars for the next 29 years
Brandon (1:49:00 AM): well maybe the next 14..
Brandon (1:49:08 AM): the remake of godfather 2
Brandon (1:49:18 AM): schedueled for next summer
Brandon (1:49:27 AM): will win the 14 after that
Sahil (1:49:31 AM): OH SHIT YEAH
Sahil (1:49:37 AM): it all takes place in a circus
Sahil (1:49:44 AM): youre right
Sahil (1:49:56 AM): i remember reading about that!
Brandon (1:50:10 AM): in that movie, bob barker is playing de niros role
Brandon (1:50:20 AM): and de niro is playing a hermit
Sahil (1:50:29 AM): you know i always knew it had to be that way
Brandon (1:50:43 AM): me too girlfriend
Brandon (1:46:36 AM): did you hear adam sandler is signed in the god father remake?
Sahil (1:46:45 AM): WHAAAAT
Brandon (1:46:46 AM): for the brother
Sahil (1:46:52 AM): which one?!
Brandon (1:47:04 AM): sony
Sahil (1:47:18 AM): that is very interesting
Sahil (1:47:23 AM): luke wilson is playing michael right?
Brandon (1:47:26 AM): yeah
Sahil (1:47:29 AM): and seth green is writing it
Brandon (1:48:03 AM): and julia roberts is working the boom mic
Brandon (1:48:09 AM): should be a really good movie
Sahil (1:48:18 AM): fo sho fo sho
Sahil (1:48:28 AM): probably should win all the oscars for the next 29 years
Brandon (1:49:00 AM): well maybe the next 14..
Brandon (1:49:08 AM): the remake of godfather 2
Brandon (1:49:18 AM): schedueled for next summer
Brandon (1:49:27 AM): will win the 14 after that
Sahil (1:49:31 AM): OH SHIT YEAH
Sahil (1:49:37 AM): it all takes place in a circus
Sahil (1:49:44 AM): youre right
Sahil (1:49:56 AM): i remember reading about that!
Brandon (1:50:10 AM): in that movie, bob barker is playing de niros role
Brandon (1:50:20 AM): and de niro is playing a hermit
Sahil (1:50:29 AM): you know i always knew it had to be that way
Brandon (1:50:43 AM): me too girlfriend
Reasons To Avoid Playing Checkers With A Lion
1. You're gonna get bitten, silly!
2. Lions have very large hands and very poor hand-eye coordination. They will constantly mess up the board!
3. Checkers is a simplified version of chess which is a simplified version of combat. Animals, such as lions, run on base instincts and will instinctively believe they are at war with you. Make sure there's no guns around Mister!
4. Your wife or girlfriend will see you playing checkers with the lion and, in a sit-com like fashion, will always assume the worst of you. Bestiality gets you 5-10!
5. Due to man's superior brain power, you will almost always win. It's no fun being a lion with an ever slipping self-esteem.
2. Lions have very large hands and very poor hand-eye coordination. They will constantly mess up the board!
3. Checkers is a simplified version of chess which is a simplified version of combat. Animals, such as lions, run on base instincts and will instinctively believe they are at war with you. Make sure there's no guns around Mister!
4. Your wife or girlfriend will see you playing checkers with the lion and, in a sit-com like fashion, will always assume the worst of you. Bestiality gets you 5-10!
5. Due to man's superior brain power, you will almost always win. It's no fun being a lion with an ever slipping self-esteem.
A Favorite Picture of Me
Wait a minute...the fence, the position of the depository, Lee's firing experience, the car was moving away from him...there couldn't have been one shooter! That's me in Dallas.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The Gulya Blasters
This is just a story I've been wanting to get down in print somewhere. It's about my brothers and I when we were kids. Enjoy.
The Gulya Blasters
Most people who know my three brothers and I know that we did some pretty ridiculous things when I was growing up. Everyone plays make believe games, but we took this some pretty crazy levels. Starting when I was about eight year old, my brothers and I would embark on business ventures, get rich schemes, and fantasies of detail that, in hindsight, still kind of impresses me.
A lot of this was because I was pretty obsessed with watching TV. And I unfortunately, but fortunately because of the stories it created, usually believed that I was capable of doing what people were capable of doing on television. For example, when I was in the fifth-grade I watched the movie My Cousin Vinny and convinced myself for a long time that I was going to be a lawyer. I would involve my brothers and sometimes my entire family in elaborate courtroom enactments. There was never any preparation in the area of a set story or agreement on the facts of our "cases". We merely decided on a crime one of my brothers was being "accused" of, which were sometimes as meaningless as stealing cookies but sometimes actual crimes like grand theft and murder. I would always be the lawyer prosecuting him. Since there were no set “facts” of these cases, there was no way for whoever was playing judge to actually decide who was right, so every ruling was arbitrary. We used evidence that we literally created on the spot. More than once I incorporated Joe Pescis’ "How long does it take to cook a grit?" monologue which I had completely memorized, twisting whatever our story was to invent a context for it. The longest example of one of these trials was when my youngest brother Andrew was accused of assassinating President John F. Kennedy, a crime of which he was convicted.
A further venture involved me leading my brother Robert on a voyage to the end of a creek in the woods near our house after watching the movie In Thin Air: The Voyage of Mount Everest. We dressed in coats and hiking boots, as if we were going on the most dangerous of missions, but we were just walking along a creak in the middle of the fall. There was this huge detail in the movie about the leader of the Everest Mission insisting that they stop at a certain point every night, so they remain safe and do not get frostbit. So, I wouldn’t insist on stopping after an arbitrary amount of time each day we walked along this creek. And the next day, we would just start from the beginning again. We finished this voyage inside a week.
Another had me campaigning against my brothers to elect the President of the family. Everyone in my family received one vote and all four of us would vote for ourselves, forcing my parents to cast the deciding votes. At separate points, the four of us made plans to finance our own chocolate factory and start our own fast food restaurant chain. In the latter example, all of my sandwich ideas were literally rip-offs of McDonalds sandwiches; my favorites being the "Big Foot Sandwich", which was exactly like a Big Mac, and the Double Big Foot Sandwich, which was exactly like a Big Mac with four patties instead of two. Although I did have an original idea for "Pancake Nuggets", which were small nuggets of pancake, filled with syrup.
All of our miss-adventures contained two interesting common details. One is that I was always the leader of our operations. I always insisted on being the manager, or president or lead singer (Yes, there was once a Gulya Family Band called "The Friends", inspired by Zach Moris' Band “Zach Attack” on that one episode of Saved by the Bell). The other is that my three brothers, despite the impossibilities of whatever my most recent plan was, would immediately and without the slightest hesitation agree to be a part of it. All of our plots involved lots of preparation, and our enthusiasm was always 100 percent invested for those weeks before we gave up on them. At age ten, my focus and time-management skills were far better than they are today. And I often wish I could put the kind of determination into any of my current projects that I once put into making my own Batman movie.
My favorite of our “make believe” schemes is also the greatest business venture I have ever been, or will ever be, involved in. This was the day my brothers and I started a window washing corporation in my back yard.
Yes, I said Window Washing Corporation. A company made up of workers who wash windows.
We started a corporation because during this particular summer I was OBSESSED with starting my own corporation. And we always did whatever I was obsessed with. It was that simple. I do not know which old movie or cheesy TV show told my eleven year old mind to choose a window washing company as my business venture, or why I thought there was great wealth to be found in washing windows, where, in all reality, the exact opposite is true. But, I do remember exactly how I created our window-washing solution.
I was playing in the sand-box in our back yard one day, thinking about the corporation I wanted to start, when I discovered a rock that was covered in dirt. I took my bucket, which was filled with water and a little bit of sand, and poured it over my rock. The rock was washed clean. I had discovered the secret!
The next thing I remember is us preparing for our first job. I apparently went to my brothers with my bucket of water and sand and said “Guys, I figured out how we’re going to do this,” and they immediately accepted it, because I next thing I knew we were filling buckets with this stuff and asking my parents if we could wash all of the windows on the front porch. My parents had always tried really hard to nurture me even through all of my ridiculous plans, so they couldn’t just tell me flat out that my idea would not work. So, in a gesture that defies all logic, my parents allowed me to wash the front porch windows with a mixture of water and sand.
And thusly, our corporation began. I, of course, was the President. There was soon a sign on the door to my room that read “Brandon’s Office”. I gave each of my three employees official positions like “district manager” and “chairman” which were just business terms I had heard thrown around.
We decided to call our-selves the Gulya Blasters. MY FAVORITE DETAIL about this entire operation (and perhaps my favorite detail about anything I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life) is that we originally wanted to call ourselves the Gulya Busters, but changed to the Gulya Blasters because we feared suit from either The Ghost Busters or Dust Buster.
Our first big job went off almost without a hitch. It basically consisted of us dirtying the windows with our solution and then rinsing it off. We were so proud of ourselves. The next thing I did was announce to my parents my plans to take the Gulya Blasters around the neighborhood. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to be a good parent, trying to be supportive, but not wanting to be known as the one who let their son walk into stranger’s houses to spray their windows with mud. Somehow they convinced me that it was better to keep it at home for now, saying something about not wanting the business to grow too quickly. They also convinced me to use actual cleaning products when cleaning the windows at our house, using the delicate and ingenious word-choice of telling me to wait until I “perfected my formula.”
We only had two major squabbles during the length of this corportation. One was because of my finacial skills. I put such effort into deciding the wages I would pay my employees and eventually recieved a comically small amount of our earnings myself. This made me very upset and, I am ashamed to reveal, began to effect my work. The other was due to my power-hunger near the end of our run. Robert, during one job, used a scrub brush instead of a paper towl to wash a few windows, after I had insisted that we would use paper towls. I placed him on a leave of absense. I don't think he's been madder at me since. I am proud, howver, that as an eleven year old boy I knew what "leave of absense" meant.
We kept the Gulya Blasters going all through at summer and on and off through the following year. It eventually ended when I was in middle school and lost interest.
Whenever my brothers and I chat and talk about our business venture of long ago, we always describe it as a success. And in some ways, I would still swear more allegiance to the Gulya Blasters than any organization I have been a part of since.
The Gulya Blasters
Most people who know my three brothers and I know that we did some pretty ridiculous things when I was growing up. Everyone plays make believe games, but we took this some pretty crazy levels. Starting when I was about eight year old, my brothers and I would embark on business ventures, get rich schemes, and fantasies of detail that, in hindsight, still kind of impresses me.
A lot of this was because I was pretty obsessed with watching TV. And I unfortunately, but fortunately because of the stories it created, usually believed that I was capable of doing what people were capable of doing on television. For example, when I was in the fifth-grade I watched the movie My Cousin Vinny and convinced myself for a long time that I was going to be a lawyer. I would involve my brothers and sometimes my entire family in elaborate courtroom enactments. There was never any preparation in the area of a set story or agreement on the facts of our "cases". We merely decided on a crime one of my brothers was being "accused" of, which were sometimes as meaningless as stealing cookies but sometimes actual crimes like grand theft and murder. I would always be the lawyer prosecuting him. Since there were no set “facts” of these cases, there was no way for whoever was playing judge to actually decide who was right, so every ruling was arbitrary. We used evidence that we literally created on the spot. More than once I incorporated Joe Pescis’ "How long does it take to cook a grit?" monologue which I had completely memorized, twisting whatever our story was to invent a context for it. The longest example of one of these trials was when my youngest brother Andrew was accused of assassinating President John F. Kennedy, a crime of which he was convicted.
A further venture involved me leading my brother Robert on a voyage to the end of a creek in the woods near our house after watching the movie In Thin Air: The Voyage of Mount Everest. We dressed in coats and hiking boots, as if we were going on the most dangerous of missions, but we were just walking along a creak in the middle of the fall. There was this huge detail in the movie about the leader of the Everest Mission insisting that they stop at a certain point every night, so they remain safe and do not get frostbit. So, I wouldn’t insist on stopping after an arbitrary amount of time each day we walked along this creek. And the next day, we would just start from the beginning again. We finished this voyage inside a week.
Another had me campaigning against my brothers to elect the President of the family. Everyone in my family received one vote and all four of us would vote for ourselves, forcing my parents to cast the deciding votes. At separate points, the four of us made plans to finance our own chocolate factory and start our own fast food restaurant chain. In the latter example, all of my sandwich ideas were literally rip-offs of McDonalds sandwiches; my favorites being the "Big Foot Sandwich", which was exactly like a Big Mac, and the Double Big Foot Sandwich, which was exactly like a Big Mac with four patties instead of two. Although I did have an original idea for "Pancake Nuggets", which were small nuggets of pancake, filled with syrup.
All of our miss-adventures contained two interesting common details. One is that I was always the leader of our operations. I always insisted on being the manager, or president or lead singer (Yes, there was once a Gulya Family Band called "The Friends", inspired by Zach Moris' Band “Zach Attack” on that one episode of Saved by the Bell). The other is that my three brothers, despite the impossibilities of whatever my most recent plan was, would immediately and without the slightest hesitation agree to be a part of it. All of our plots involved lots of preparation, and our enthusiasm was always 100 percent invested for those weeks before we gave up on them. At age ten, my focus and time-management skills were far better than they are today. And I often wish I could put the kind of determination into any of my current projects that I once put into making my own Batman movie.
My favorite of our “make believe” schemes is also the greatest business venture I have ever been, or will ever be, involved in. This was the day my brothers and I started a window washing corporation in my back yard.
Yes, I said Window Washing Corporation. A company made up of workers who wash windows.
We started a corporation because during this particular summer I was OBSESSED with starting my own corporation. And we always did whatever I was obsessed with. It was that simple. I do not know which old movie or cheesy TV show told my eleven year old mind to choose a window washing company as my business venture, or why I thought there was great wealth to be found in washing windows, where, in all reality, the exact opposite is true. But, I do remember exactly how I created our window-washing solution.
I was playing in the sand-box in our back yard one day, thinking about the corporation I wanted to start, when I discovered a rock that was covered in dirt. I took my bucket, which was filled with water and a little bit of sand, and poured it over my rock. The rock was washed clean. I had discovered the secret!
The next thing I remember is us preparing for our first job. I apparently went to my brothers with my bucket of water and sand and said “Guys, I figured out how we’re going to do this,” and they immediately accepted it, because I next thing I knew we were filling buckets with this stuff and asking my parents if we could wash all of the windows on the front porch. My parents had always tried really hard to nurture me even through all of my ridiculous plans, so they couldn’t just tell me flat out that my idea would not work. So, in a gesture that defies all logic, my parents allowed me to wash the front porch windows with a mixture of water and sand.
And thusly, our corporation began. I, of course, was the President. There was soon a sign on the door to my room that read “Brandon’s Office”. I gave each of my three employees official positions like “district manager” and “chairman” which were just business terms I had heard thrown around.
We decided to call our-selves the Gulya Blasters. MY FAVORITE DETAIL about this entire operation (and perhaps my favorite detail about anything I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life) is that we originally wanted to call ourselves the Gulya Busters, but changed to the Gulya Blasters because we feared suit from either The Ghost Busters or Dust Buster.
Our first big job went off almost without a hitch. It basically consisted of us dirtying the windows with our solution and then rinsing it off. We were so proud of ourselves. The next thing I did was announce to my parents my plans to take the Gulya Blasters around the neighborhood. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to be a good parent, trying to be supportive, but not wanting to be known as the one who let their son walk into stranger’s houses to spray their windows with mud. Somehow they convinced me that it was better to keep it at home for now, saying something about not wanting the business to grow too quickly. They also convinced me to use actual cleaning products when cleaning the windows at our house, using the delicate and ingenious word-choice of telling me to wait until I “perfected my formula.”
We only had two major squabbles during the length of this corportation. One was because of my finacial skills. I put such effort into deciding the wages I would pay my employees and eventually recieved a comically small amount of our earnings myself. This made me very upset and, I am ashamed to reveal, began to effect my work. The other was due to my power-hunger near the end of our run. Robert, during one job, used a scrub brush instead of a paper towl to wash a few windows, after I had insisted that we would use paper towls. I placed him on a leave of absense. I don't think he's been madder at me since. I am proud, howver, that as an eleven year old boy I knew what "leave of absense" meant.
We kept the Gulya Blasters going all through at summer and on and off through the following year. It eventually ended when I was in middle school and lost interest.
Whenever my brothers and I chat and talk about our business venture of long ago, we always describe it as a success. And in some ways, I would still swear more allegiance to the Gulya Blasters than any organization I have been a part of since.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
62
Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of Mark McGuire hitting his 62nd home run in 1998.
That's crazy, isn't it? I was in the seventh grade for that. It is almost impossible to record how big of a deal that was. My entire family was nuts during the last third of that season. My entire school was nuts. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing about the home run Mark McGuire or Sammy Sosa hit last night.What made that race really awesome, really worthy of remembering forever, was how wholesome it was. Or as it turns out, how wholesome it seemed.
Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were not enemies. They sang each others praises in interviews, they hugged after McGuire was the first to reach 62. They had no ill-will toward each other and no ill-will toward Roger Maris, the man who's record they were attempting to beat. It was race with nothing but good will and sportsmanship attached to it. It was an achievement we could all believe in. The way everyone got this last summer about Michael Phelps, was nothing compared to how America felt about Mark and Sammy. That summer and fall of '98 is probably the most consistent good news about one particular subject I've been subjected to. It was a good time to be a kid. And a good time to be a baseball fan.
It's sad that we now know about the steroids. It figures, I guess. That was such an awesome, pure thing that I guess it couldn't have been real.
That's crazy, isn't it? I was in the seventh grade for that. It is almost impossible to record how big of a deal that was. My entire family was nuts during the last third of that season. My entire school was nuts. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing about the home run Mark McGuire or Sammy Sosa hit last night.What made that race really awesome, really worthy of remembering forever, was how wholesome it was. Or as it turns out, how wholesome it seemed.
Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were not enemies. They sang each others praises in interviews, they hugged after McGuire was the first to reach 62. They had no ill-will toward each other and no ill-will toward Roger Maris, the man who's record they were attempting to beat. It was race with nothing but good will and sportsmanship attached to it. It was an achievement we could all believe in. The way everyone got this last summer about Michael Phelps, was nothing compared to how America felt about Mark and Sammy. That summer and fall of '98 is probably the most consistent good news about one particular subject I've been subjected to. It was a good time to be a kid. And a good time to be a baseball fan.
It's sad that we now know about the steroids. It figures, I guess. That was such an awesome, pure thing that I guess it couldn't have been real.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Ways To Use a Dildo That Aren't Sexual
Here it is. The very anticipated list "Ways To Use a Dildo That Aren't Sexual. Enjoy.
1. Dip it in ink and write with it!
2. Play fetch with your German Sheppard!
3. You got a battery, some wires, and a little light bulb? Can anyone say makeshift flashlight?!
4. Give your neighborhood police man a new night stick for Christmas!
5. Turn your horse, or friend, into a unicorn!
6. Put it next to the popsicle and hot dog in your "looks like a small tree branch" collection!
7. Stick six of those guys together, and your blind friend has a new cane!
8. Dress it up in a tiny leather jacket, name it Arthur Fonzarelli, and have it teach cool things to your other dildos like how to turn a juke box on just by knocking on it!
Who says dildos only serve one purpose?! Go out there and try these guys and dolls! Please comment on this blog every time you do and write about your experience!
1. Dip it in ink and write with it!
2. Play fetch with your German Sheppard!
3. You got a battery, some wires, and a little light bulb? Can anyone say makeshift flashlight?!
4. Give your neighborhood police man a new night stick for Christmas!
5. Turn your horse, or friend, into a unicorn!
6. Put it next to the popsicle and hot dog in your "looks like a small tree branch" collection!
7. Stick six of those guys together, and your blind friend has a new cane!
8. Dress it up in a tiny leather jacket, name it Arthur Fonzarelli, and have it teach cool things to your other dildos like how to turn a juke box on just by knocking on it!
Who says dildos only serve one purpose?! Go out there and try these guys and dolls! Please comment on this blog every time you do and write about your experience!
The Republican National Convention
Remember when you were in middle school and two popular kids would fight in the parking lot and everyone would circle around them watching anxiously? That's how the little boy inside of me feels about politics right now.
I've been a bad Democrat this year. For someone with mostly liberal point of views, I got to see very little of the democratic convention, and have seen much much more of the Republican side. But, I think that's more or less understandable since I was in Texas with no television FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.
When I say that I am a Democrat, let me explain. I am more accurately described as an independent. I do not automatically vote Democrat and always like to hear both sides of every argument and every election. I try not to jump to conclusions. It's just that after hearing both sides I USUALLY side with the Democrats more so than the Republicans. For example, most of my friends immediately hated Palin as soon as she was announced as McCain's running mate. They hated her for the reasons that were immediately apparent. Choosing her was an obvious political move. She came out of nowhere. She has little experience. Etc. I was not immediately against her and was willing to give her a fair chance. That having been said, when I did get to look into her stances and views more thoroughly, I disagreed with almost all of them.
Getting to the convention, McCain and Palin were the dull points for me. Even disagreeing with all the points made, I can tell the difference between a good speech and a bad speech. And theirs were not very good. McCain, for one, didn't tell us anything we didn't already about him. He accepted the praise given to him and then basically just joined in praising his own views, without making much effort to actually move us or appeal to us emotionally.
Similarly, Palin's was equally disappointing, especially following Huckabee and Giuliani. I stated in a previous post that I liked Huckabee's speech very much. I would never want him as a leader, but he was powerful, funny, and interesting to listen to. He was very good at inspiring members of the Republican Party and united them behind McCain. Giuliani, to a lesser extent, was good for the same reasons. I hated some of the things he said but God Damned if he can't get people riled up. He made up for the horribleness of his own campaign by delivering a pretty good speech that only continued one September 11th reference. That was good for him.
What Huckabee and Giuliani were also good at was their defense of Palin. There are a lot of bad things I think you can say about her, but Huckabee and Giuliani pointed out the cheap shots made at her and dismissed them. They talked about her "lack of experience" and compared it the Obama who, when it comes to leadership on a big scale, may have less. They pointed out the worst criticism of Palin I've heard: "How will she take care of her children?" Giuliani responded simply to this, "Who ever says that about the Men?" They addressed everything they needed to about the attacks against Vice President Nominee, Sara Palin, and made me, for one, ready to listen to her.
And then Palin did little more than re-state their defenses with much less skill and charisma, leaving me thinking "Ok, she's not inexperienced. She's just boring." After the words of Huckabee and Giuliani, she was given the chance to put the bullshit behind her and just address her actual views and ideas. She didn't do that. The rest of her very long speech was spent expressing the same ideals as most of the speakers in the Republican Convention.
Now that both conventions are over, I cannot wait for the debates. Obama is a brilliant speaker and McCain is surrounded by such an aura of Military hero ship. This should be a fun fight to watch.
I've been a bad Democrat this year. For someone with mostly liberal point of views, I got to see very little of the democratic convention, and have seen much much more of the Republican side. But, I think that's more or less understandable since I was in Texas with no television FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.
When I say that I am a Democrat, let me explain. I am more accurately described as an independent. I do not automatically vote Democrat and always like to hear both sides of every argument and every election. I try not to jump to conclusions. It's just that after hearing both sides I USUALLY side with the Democrats more so than the Republicans. For example, most of my friends immediately hated Palin as soon as she was announced as McCain's running mate. They hated her for the reasons that were immediately apparent. Choosing her was an obvious political move. She came out of nowhere. She has little experience. Etc. I was not immediately against her and was willing to give her a fair chance. That having been said, when I did get to look into her stances and views more thoroughly, I disagreed with almost all of them.
Getting to the convention, McCain and Palin were the dull points for me. Even disagreeing with all the points made, I can tell the difference between a good speech and a bad speech. And theirs were not very good. McCain, for one, didn't tell us anything we didn't already about him. He accepted the praise given to him and then basically just joined in praising his own views, without making much effort to actually move us or appeal to us emotionally.
Similarly, Palin's was equally disappointing, especially following Huckabee and Giuliani. I stated in a previous post that I liked Huckabee's speech very much. I would never want him as a leader, but he was powerful, funny, and interesting to listen to. He was very good at inspiring members of the Republican Party and united them behind McCain. Giuliani, to a lesser extent, was good for the same reasons. I hated some of the things he said but God Damned if he can't get people riled up. He made up for the horribleness of his own campaign by delivering a pretty good speech that only continued one September 11th reference. That was good for him.
What Huckabee and Giuliani were also good at was their defense of Palin. There are a lot of bad things I think you can say about her, but Huckabee and Giuliani pointed out the cheap shots made at her and dismissed them. They talked about her "lack of experience" and compared it the Obama who, when it comes to leadership on a big scale, may have less. They pointed out the worst criticism of Palin I've heard: "How will she take care of her children?" Giuliani responded simply to this, "Who ever says that about the Men?" They addressed everything they needed to about the attacks against Vice President Nominee, Sara Palin, and made me, for one, ready to listen to her.
And then Palin did little more than re-state their defenses with much less skill and charisma, leaving me thinking "Ok, she's not inexperienced. She's just boring." After the words of Huckabee and Giuliani, she was given the chance to put the bullshit behind her and just address her actual views and ideas. She didn't do that. The rest of her very long speech was spent expressing the same ideals as most of the speakers in the Republican Convention.
Now that both conventions are over, I cannot wait for the debates. Obama is a brilliant speaker and McCain is surrounded by such an aura of Military hero ship. This should be a fun fight to watch.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Reasons No One Reads This Blog
1. I haven't really told anyone about it! That's true. I guess I'm just a modest, small-town, suburb guy trying to make it in an arrogant, big-city guy world.
2. People don't like reading! It's stupid!
3. Computers are dumb. Dildos are more fun! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
4. My blog is boring! I am not skilled with URL and have no idea how to make an interesting format. I'm just a writer. And writers are lame-O-rific!
5. No one knows who I am. Famous people's blogs are more fun!
6. I seldom use big words like "incredulous" or "inflamitory".
7. I make jokes about comic books and awkward relationships, not jokes about tractors and dildos like Larry the Cable Guy! (However, stay tune for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
2. People don't like reading! It's stupid!
3. Computers are dumb. Dildos are more fun! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
4. My blog is boring! I am not skilled with URL and have no idea how to make an interesting format. I'm just a writer. And writers are lame-O-rific!
5. No one knows who I am. Famous people's blogs are more fun!
6. I seldom use big words like "incredulous" or "inflamitory".
7. I make jokes about comic books and awkward relationships, not jokes about tractors and dildos like Larry the Cable Guy! (However, stay tune for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
2 Square
I saw them again tonight. They were, as always, awesome. It is ACTUALLY unfair how good they are. I’ve seen them like six or seven times now and they continue to be not only the best improv group I’ve seen but probably one of the funniest comedy acts of seen period, and maybe one of the most exciting live acts I’ve seen of any kind.
After returning from the show, I turned on the Republican National Convention in time to see Mike Huckabee’s speech. Now, I support Obama and in no way do I want McCain to be President, but God dammit shoot me in the face, Huckabee’s speech was good wasn’t it?
Expect more political posts as the election month draws near. And go to see 2 square (sometimes they perform as 3 square) the next time you get the chance.
After returning from the show, I turned on the Republican National Convention in time to see Mike Huckabee’s speech. Now, I support Obama and in no way do I want McCain to be President, but God dammit shoot me in the face, Huckabee’s speech was good wasn’t it?
Expect more political posts as the election month draws near. And go to see 2 square (sometimes they perform as 3 square) the next time you get the chance.
LISTS
People love them! Here are some reasons why.
1. They're easy to write!
2. They enable the writer to easily slip in cheap jokes and observations (Prostitutes have sex with people for money!)
3. They require very little reading. And reading is boring!
4. They can provide a contrast that cause one to think of something in a new light. Especially dildos! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
5. They statisfy one's craving for a structured numeric system.
1. They're easy to write!
2. They enable the writer to easily slip in cheap jokes and observations (Prostitutes have sex with people for money!)
3. They require very little reading. And reading is boring!
4. They can provide a contrast that cause one to think of something in a new light. Especially dildos! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
5. They statisfy one's craving for a structured numeric system.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Who Will Be Batman?
So, it is common knowlege at this point that Nolan has stated for the record that he will only do three Batman movies. And Christian Bale is only signed on for three as well. If the recent Tim Burtan Batman series is any sign, Warner Brothers is going to want to keep making these movies even after Nolan and Bale has stopped. So the real question is, who will be the next Batman after Christian Bale?
I would just like to put it out there that if they are struggling to find someone, I will step up to the plate and do it. I don't think I have much going on two or three years from now and I would be more than up for the challenge. I can be tough. I can growl. I can fight criminals and deliver awesome lines like "I am not the hero Gotham needs right now." If you are a Warner Brother Executive and you are reading this, I am game for the job. Have someone contact me. Now we just need to find a director.
Maybe the REAL real question is, is this actually common knowlege? Or is it just loser knowlege? Answer: I don't care.
Sincerely,
Brandon
PS: In all seriousness I would not endorse a continuation of this Batman series without Nolan. He has made the best super hero movie of all-time and is a great director. If he thinks the series has come to an end, they should respect that. However, if it must happen, I am the man for the role.
I would just like to put it out there that if they are struggling to find someone, I will step up to the plate and do it. I don't think I have much going on two or three years from now and I would be more than up for the challenge. I can be tough. I can growl. I can fight criminals and deliver awesome lines like "I am not the hero Gotham needs right now." If you are a Warner Brother Executive and you are reading this, I am game for the job. Have someone contact me. Now we just need to find a director.
Maybe the REAL real question is, is this actually common knowlege? Or is it just loser knowlege? Answer: I don't care.
Sincerely,
Brandon
PS: In all seriousness I would not endorse a continuation of this Batman series without Nolan. He has made the best super hero movie of all-time and is a great director. If he thinks the series has come to an end, they should respect that. However, if it must happen, I am the man for the role.
Back from Texas!
Hey guys!
Texas was really fun! For those of you who don't remember, I drove to Texas for a week to perform with my group Quaint Little Coffee shop at The Austin Out of Bounds Coemdy Festival. We all grew really close during the trip and were SUPER-PSYCHED for our show by the time it came around. The trip itself was also hilarious and fun, and I'm sure you will continue to read about it here in the form of longer essays for some time to come.
Right now, I will give you this one insight. There was an improv group performing at this festival called The Weisenheimers. We did not get to see their show, as we had to leave a few days prior, and have not ever seen weisenheimer perform. So, this paragraph is not in any way a comment on the actual group, The Weisenheimers. But we thought this was a hilarious name for a group and began to create characters similating what we thought a group like this wold be like. On the way home, after driving for 23 hours and struggling for ways to waste time, Lou and I ended up improvising a 40-minute long radio show as The Weisenheimer characters we had concocted. Afterward, we realised we had basically just done another full improv set. And this was probably my favorite improv I'd done in a while. Long road trips affect everyone in different ways, and I guess this is how it affects us.
Another reason I am proud of this trip is that I succeeded in my goal of writing a sketch every day during it. Actually more. I have eleven new sketches. Some of them shitty. Some of them good. Upon my return to Jersey Saturday night, I discovered an event called "Sketch Writing Month in September" between comics in the New York area. So I resolved to continue my writing kick through December and will hopefully have over 40 brand new sketches by the end of this month!
I hesitate to post sketches on this sight right now, for copywright reasons. Also, many of them are in my notebook and not yet typed up. But, if anyone would like to swap sketches to read or just offer me some feedback on a couple, please feel free to email me at gulyacomedy@yahoo.com!
Also, I am on another kick currently as well. A comic book reading one! After finishing Alan Moore's great "The Watchmen" I have read two Batman books: Moore's The Killing joke, and Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. If anyone wants to talk about these, please contact me as well.
That is all. Thank you for reading this. I sincerely appreciate it.
Brandon Gulya
Texas was really fun! For those of you who don't remember, I drove to Texas for a week to perform with my group Quaint Little Coffee shop at The Austin Out of Bounds Coemdy Festival. We all grew really close during the trip and were SUPER-PSYCHED for our show by the time it came around. The trip itself was also hilarious and fun, and I'm sure you will continue to read about it here in the form of longer essays for some time to come.
Right now, I will give you this one insight. There was an improv group performing at this festival called The Weisenheimers. We did not get to see their show, as we had to leave a few days prior, and have not ever seen weisenheimer perform. So, this paragraph is not in any way a comment on the actual group, The Weisenheimers. But we thought this was a hilarious name for a group and began to create characters similating what we thought a group like this wold be like. On the way home, after driving for 23 hours and struggling for ways to waste time, Lou and I ended up improvising a 40-minute long radio show as The Weisenheimer characters we had concocted. Afterward, we realised we had basically just done another full improv set. And this was probably my favorite improv I'd done in a while. Long road trips affect everyone in different ways, and I guess this is how it affects us.
Another reason I am proud of this trip is that I succeeded in my goal of writing a sketch every day during it. Actually more. I have eleven new sketches. Some of them shitty. Some of them good. Upon my return to Jersey Saturday night, I discovered an event called "Sketch Writing Month in September" between comics in the New York area. So I resolved to continue my writing kick through December and will hopefully have over 40 brand new sketches by the end of this month!
I hesitate to post sketches on this sight right now, for copywright reasons. Also, many of them are in my notebook and not yet typed up. But, if anyone would like to swap sketches to read or just offer me some feedback on a couple, please feel free to email me at gulyacomedy@yahoo.com!
Also, I am on another kick currently as well. A comic book reading one! After finishing Alan Moore's great "The Watchmen" I have read two Batman books: Moore's The Killing joke, and Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. If anyone wants to talk about these, please contact me as well.
That is all. Thank you for reading this. I sincerely appreciate it.
Brandon Gulya
Monday, August 18, 2008
The Watchmen Follow-up
A segment from Brandon Gulya's Journal 8/18/08
Finished The Watchmen recently. Was good. Would have posted sooner. Was busy. Liked Rorschach best. Lots of personallity. Good features. Admire him. Can't wiat for movie version. Hope they don't ruin it like ruined X-Men. Doing lots of comedy and class stuff lately. Work too. Worked nine hours at Panera today. Very tired. Man came in, didn't like his face. Going out tonight. Will be even more tired. If you get the joke of this blog, you are equally as awesome and loveably dorkish as I am.
Finished The Watchmen recently. Was good. Would have posted sooner. Was busy. Liked Rorschach best. Lots of personallity. Good features. Admire him. Can't wiat for movie version. Hope they don't ruin it like ruined X-Men. Doing lots of comedy and class stuff lately. Work too. Worked nine hours at Panera today. Very tired. Man came in, didn't like his face. Going out tonight. Will be even more tired. If you get the joke of this blog, you are equally as awesome and loveably dorkish as I am.
Monday, August 4, 2008
The Watchmen
Is fucking good. I'm a third of the way through. More on this to come.
Also I got signed to do two pretty big stand-up shows in September.
The first is a cool show at Carolines in NY on Sept 22nd. It's a 7PM show and is only $5. I actually really need people to come to this, so if you're interested let me know! You need to reserve a couple weeks in advance to get the $5 price.
The second is a comedy contest at the Street Road Bar and Grill on Sept 30th. The winner will recieve five hundred dollars. It also seems like a really sweet deal and I would highly recommend you attend even if I weren't in it. Check out these sweet audience perks:
1. Free buffet
2. 2 dollar everything in the bar. 2 dollar beers. 2 dollar margaritas. 2 dollar Long Island ice teas! THE WORKS!
3. First 100 people get a free t-shirt
4. Door prizes! DVDs! TVs!
5. Tickets are just 7 bucks!
All for now. I'm glad we had this talk. You were sexy at it.
Gladly,
Brandon
Also I got signed to do two pretty big stand-up shows in September.
The first is a cool show at Carolines in NY on Sept 22nd. It's a 7PM show and is only $5. I actually really need people to come to this, so if you're interested let me know! You need to reserve a couple weeks in advance to get the $5 price.
The second is a comedy contest at the Street Road Bar and Grill on Sept 30th. The winner will recieve five hundred dollars. It also seems like a really sweet deal and I would highly recommend you attend even if I weren't in it. Check out these sweet audience perks:
1. Free buffet
2. 2 dollar everything in the bar. 2 dollar beers. 2 dollar margaritas. 2 dollar Long Island ice teas! THE WORKS!
3. First 100 people get a free t-shirt
4. Door prizes! DVDs! TVs!
5. Tickets are just 7 bucks!
All for now. I'm glad we had this talk. You were sexy at it.
Gladly,
Brandon
Friday, August 1, 2008
Colbert 2 plus other stuff
Hey Dudes and Duddresses,
So, as promised, I'm going to elaborate on Colbert a little. He's an awesome dude. Sahil and I were wondering wheather he would be in character for the entire proccess even in between segments and stuff, which I thought would be cool. He wasn't, which I thought was equally as cool. We got to see him just be a normal guy and you know what? He's just as funny as his character is. He did a Q&A session and he took my question, which was, "When you were studdying improvisation in chicago who were your favorite people to work with and study with?" He gave me a list of names, Del Close among others. Sahil said my question was the smartest question.
On a show I did sunday night I met this dude who makes $3,000 a show a semester playing different colleges, and does about fifteen shows a semester. That's $90,000 a year. Take away cuts for his manager and agent and taxes and such, and that's still over $60,000. That's doesn't exactly make him a high teir comedian, but I would be so happy doing that. He gets to play lots of cool crowds every year and make a living off of it. Plus, he can do whatever he wants in the summer. A got into a conversation with him and he told me how he tried doing bringers and stuff in NY for a while (which I've done) and found it a waste of time. And then his manager found him at some festival, and got him this gig. Pretty sweet. He watched my set and laughed. I hope he needs an opener one day and calls me. Even though he doesn't have my number.
IMPORTANT SENTENCE: My group QLCS is performing at Del Close a week from tomorrow.
I'll remind you guys (Sahil and maybe Dave?) about it a bunch this week. If you've happened to stumble upon my blog, even if you've never seen me do comedy before, you should come out for this show. 3:30 PM at the Hudson Guild Theatre in NYC.
Also, I can't believe I haven't posted about this yet, The Dark Knight is absolutely amazing! It completely re-defines how you feel about super heroes. This is my list of my favorite movies so far this year:
The Dark Knight
Wall-E
Forgetting Sarah Marshal
That's it, Guys and Guydresses.
Love,
Brandon
So, as promised, I'm going to elaborate on Colbert a little. He's an awesome dude. Sahil and I were wondering wheather he would be in character for the entire proccess even in between segments and stuff, which I thought would be cool. He wasn't, which I thought was equally as cool. We got to see him just be a normal guy and you know what? He's just as funny as his character is. He did a Q&A session and he took my question, which was, "When you were studdying improvisation in chicago who were your favorite people to work with and study with?" He gave me a list of names, Del Close among others. Sahil said my question was the smartest question.
On a show I did sunday night I met this dude who makes $3,000 a show a semester playing different colleges, and does about fifteen shows a semester. That's $90,000 a year. Take away cuts for his manager and agent and taxes and such, and that's still over $60,000. That's doesn't exactly make him a high teir comedian, but I would be so happy doing that. He gets to play lots of cool crowds every year and make a living off of it. Plus, he can do whatever he wants in the summer. A got into a conversation with him and he told me how he tried doing bringers and stuff in NY for a while (which I've done) and found it a waste of time. And then his manager found him at some festival, and got him this gig. Pretty sweet. He watched my set and laughed. I hope he needs an opener one day and calls me. Even though he doesn't have my number.
IMPORTANT SENTENCE: My group QLCS is performing at Del Close a week from tomorrow.
I'll remind you guys (Sahil and maybe Dave?) about it a bunch this week. If you've happened to stumble upon my blog, even if you've never seen me do comedy before, you should come out for this show. 3:30 PM at the Hudson Guild Theatre in NYC.
Also, I can't believe I haven't posted about this yet, The Dark Knight is absolutely amazing! It completely re-defines how you feel about super heroes. This is my list of my favorite movies so far this year:
The Dark Knight
Wall-E
Forgetting Sarah Marshal
That's it, Guys and Guydresses.
Love,
Brandon
Monday, July 28, 2008
The Colbert Report
I was in the live studio audience of The Colbert Report tonight! It was a great experience. He was really down to earth and did a pre-show Q&A out of character. He answered my question! I might blog more about this tomorrow or the next day, as I am really tired right now.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Post Number Three, Fo' Real
This is an IM conversation to show you that my friend Sahil and I have a completely unique style of conversation.
BrandoMacchiati (4:08:48 PM): hey dude
BrandoMacchiati (4:09:07 PM): we should all hang at Dave Engs house like at 8:30 tonight!
BrandoMacchiati (4:09:13 PM): make that happen.
The Sahilness (4:09:37 PM): wait why?
The Sahilness (4:09:44 PM): and i wont be free until like 9:30 - 10
The Sahilness (4:09:45 PM): lol
The Sahilness (4:09:47 PM): so ill be late
BrandoMacchiati (4:12:12 PM): ok
BrandoMacchiati (4:12:20 PM): than 9:30.
BrandoMacchiati (4:12:24 PM): make it happen!
BrandoMacchiati (4:12:29 PM): i have commanded.
The Sahilness (4:13:14 PM): lol why do i have to
The Sahilness (4:13:24 PM): you call people too lol
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:34 PM): cause I dont wanna organise it!
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:36 PM): ahh!
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:38 PM): ok
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:43 PM): heres the deal...
The Sahilness (4:13:48 PM): i organize it all the time
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:58 PM): you set it with dave, and i will invite ppl
BrandoMacchiati (4:14:15 PM): dave doesnt know about this yet
The Sahilness (4:14:23 PM): wait what
The Sahilness (4:14:24 PM): lol
The Sahilness (4:14:31 PM): did he mention that he was free tonight?
BrandoMacchiati (4:14:37 PM): no.
The Sahilness (4:14:39 PM): or that his house was free?
BrandoMacchiati (4:14:46 PM): no.
The Sahilness (4:15:00 PM): so basically you decided to hang out at dave engs house without conferring with him
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:05 PM): yes.
The Sahilness (4:15:06 PM): YOU ask him if we can. ILL do the inviting.
The Sahilness (4:15:08 PM): lol
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:22 PM): lets rock papoer scissor
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:25 PM): you go first
The Sahilness (4:15:28 PM): I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING
The Sahilness (4:15:36 PM): no you go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:43 PM): no you go first
The Sahilness (4:15:46 PM): how about we rock paper scissor on who goes first for rock paper scissor
The Sahilness (4:15:51 PM): you go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:53 PM): ok. you go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:56 PM): dammt
BrandoMacchiati (4:16:02 PM): no. you go first.
The Sahilness (4:16:05 PM): no you
The Sahilness (4:16:12 PM): alright how about this
The Sahilness (4:16:30 PM): im thinking of a number between 1-100, if you are within 25 of that number, you go second
The Sahilness (4:16:32 PM): fair?
The Sahilness (4:16:36 PM): guess the number
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:02 PM): 50
The Sahilness (4:17:02 PM): That proves it
The Sahilness (4:17:06 PM): damnit
The Sahilness (4:17:08 PM): you go second
The Sahilness (4:17:10 PM): alright ready
The Sahilness (4:17:12 PM): rock paper scissors
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:12 PM): ok
The Sahilness (4:17:14 PM): ROCK!!
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:19 PM): rock!
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:20 PM): dammit
The Sahilness (4:17:26 PM): alright now we have to alternate
The Sahilness (4:17:28 PM): you go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:30 PM): ok
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:35 PM): PAPER!
The Sahilness (4:17:39 PM): ROCK!!
The Sahilness (4:17:41 PM): DAMNIT!!
The Sahilness (4:17:44 PM): best 2 out of 3
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:48 PM): ok fine
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:52 PM): you go first
The Sahilness (4:17:56 PM): SCISSOR
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:02 PM): PAPER!
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:04 PM): fuck!
The Sahilness (4:18:06 PM): Yes!!!
The Sahilness (4:18:08 PM): You go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:10 PM): ok ok
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:19 PM): CARBOARD!
The Sahilness (4:18:24 PM): ATOM BOMB!
The Sahilness (4:18:26 PM): OH MAN
The Sahilness (4:18:28 PM): theyre tied
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:35 PM): you go first now
The Sahilness (4:18:52 PM): ROCKET!!
BrandoMacchiati (4:19:27 PM): AWKWARD SITUATION INVOLVING AN EX-GIRLFRIEND AND TED THE VERY NOBEL TURTLE!
BrandoMacchiati (4:19:33 PM): dammit. tied again.
The Sahilness (4:20:18 PM): damnit
The Sahilness (4:20:24 PM): there is only one way to settle this
The Sahilness (4:20:27 PM): NOT IT!!!!!!
The Sahilness (4:20:32 PM): hahahahah you gotta ask dave eng
BrandoMacchiati (4:20:33 PM): NOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BrandoMacchiati (4:20:37 PM): dammmit
BrandoMacchiati (4:20:40 PM): you said it first
BrandoMacchiati (4:20:43 PM): ok ill do it
BrandoMacchiati (4:08:48 PM): hey dude
BrandoMacchiati (4:09:07 PM): we should all hang at Dave Engs house like at 8:30 tonight!
BrandoMacchiati (4:09:13 PM): make that happen.
The Sahilness (4:09:37 PM): wait why?
The Sahilness (4:09:44 PM): and i wont be free until like 9:30 - 10
The Sahilness (4:09:45 PM): lol
The Sahilness (4:09:47 PM): so ill be late
BrandoMacchiati (4:12:12 PM): ok
BrandoMacchiati (4:12:20 PM): than 9:30.
BrandoMacchiati (4:12:24 PM): make it happen!
BrandoMacchiati (4:12:29 PM): i have commanded.
The Sahilness (4:13:14 PM): lol why do i have to
The Sahilness (4:13:24 PM): you call people too lol
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:34 PM): cause I dont wanna organise it!
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:36 PM): ahh!
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:38 PM): ok
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:43 PM): heres the deal...
The Sahilness (4:13:48 PM): i organize it all the time
BrandoMacchiati (4:13:58 PM): you set it with dave, and i will invite ppl
BrandoMacchiati (4:14:15 PM): dave doesnt know about this yet
The Sahilness (4:14:23 PM): wait what
The Sahilness (4:14:24 PM): lol
The Sahilness (4:14:31 PM): did he mention that he was free tonight?
BrandoMacchiati (4:14:37 PM): no.
The Sahilness (4:14:39 PM): or that his house was free?
BrandoMacchiati (4:14:46 PM): no.
The Sahilness (4:15:00 PM): so basically you decided to hang out at dave engs house without conferring with him
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:05 PM): yes.
The Sahilness (4:15:06 PM): YOU ask him if we can. ILL do the inviting.
The Sahilness (4:15:08 PM): lol
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:22 PM): lets rock papoer scissor
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:25 PM): you go first
The Sahilness (4:15:28 PM): I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING
The Sahilness (4:15:36 PM): no you go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:43 PM): no you go first
The Sahilness (4:15:46 PM): how about we rock paper scissor on who goes first for rock paper scissor
The Sahilness (4:15:51 PM): you go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:53 PM): ok. you go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:15:56 PM): dammt
BrandoMacchiati (4:16:02 PM): no. you go first.
The Sahilness (4:16:05 PM): no you
The Sahilness (4:16:12 PM): alright how about this
The Sahilness (4:16:30 PM): im thinking of a number between 1-100, if you are within 25 of that number, you go second
The Sahilness (4:16:32 PM): fair?
The Sahilness (4:16:36 PM): guess the number
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:02 PM): 50
The Sahilness (4:17:02 PM): That proves it
The Sahilness (4:17:06 PM): damnit
The Sahilness (4:17:08 PM): you go second
The Sahilness (4:17:10 PM): alright ready
The Sahilness (4:17:12 PM): rock paper scissors
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:12 PM): ok
The Sahilness (4:17:14 PM): ROCK!!
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:19 PM): rock!
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:20 PM): dammit
The Sahilness (4:17:26 PM): alright now we have to alternate
The Sahilness (4:17:28 PM): you go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:30 PM): ok
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:35 PM): PAPER!
The Sahilness (4:17:39 PM): ROCK!!
The Sahilness (4:17:41 PM): DAMNIT!!
The Sahilness (4:17:44 PM): best 2 out of 3
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:48 PM): ok fine
BrandoMacchiati (4:17:52 PM): you go first
The Sahilness (4:17:56 PM): SCISSOR
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:02 PM): PAPER!
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:04 PM): fuck!
The Sahilness (4:18:06 PM): Yes!!!
The Sahilness (4:18:08 PM): You go first
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:10 PM): ok ok
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:19 PM): CARBOARD!
The Sahilness (4:18:24 PM): ATOM BOMB!
The Sahilness (4:18:26 PM): OH MAN
The Sahilness (4:18:28 PM): theyre tied
BrandoMacchiati (4:18:35 PM): you go first now
The Sahilness (4:18:52 PM): ROCKET!!
BrandoMacchiati (4:19:27 PM): AWKWARD SITUATION INVOLVING AN EX-GIRLFRIEND AND TED THE VERY NOBEL TURTLE!
BrandoMacchiati (4:19:33 PM): dammit. tied again.
The Sahilness (4:20:18 PM): damnit
The Sahilness (4:20:24 PM): there is only one way to settle this
The Sahilness (4:20:27 PM): NOT IT!!!!!!
The Sahilness (4:20:32 PM): hahahahah you gotta ask dave eng
BrandoMacchiati (4:20:33 PM): NOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BrandoMacchiati (4:20:37 PM): dammmit
BrandoMacchiati (4:20:40 PM): you said it first
BrandoMacchiati (4:20:43 PM): ok ill do it
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Long-Awaited Third/Second Blog
Awaited by whom, I've no idea. So I called this a third/second blog because I actually did write a second blog about a week and a half ago, but my computer lost it somehow. I am NOT going to try to recreate it. Here is a brief summary:
James Town went well. I loved the town and the show. Best bar crowd ever. Speed Racer is a fucking piece of shit. I believe the world to be a slightly worse place than it used to be because someone approved that script for shooting. Forgetting Sarah Marshal is a wonderfull movie. The Visitor is good as well. I want to see Fist Foot First. And I of course cannot wait for Dark Knight.
Ok. And now for blog #3:
Quaint Little Coffee Shop got into the Del Close Marathon! The Del Close Marathon is a 72-hour improv festival that happens every year in NYC! The Marathon is from August 8-10th and besides us, features the likes of Amy Poehler, Seth Myers, Horatio Sans, Andy Daly, Chris Gethard, Derrick Comedy, and lots of other funny mother-fuckers. OUR show will take place on August 9th at 3:30PM at the Hudson Guild Theatre. It would be a fun show for you to come to see. Good space. Good Evironment. Entrance fee is $20, but this grants you admission to shows for the entire 72 hours! So, that's pretty cool.
Getting into the marathon was a big deal for us. Between that, Austin, starting 301 with Charlie Todd, and doing shows around Jersey, I'm gonna get to do a lot of cool improv and comedy stuff this summer.
I've also been writing as much as I can. I've written a couple of essays, all in working progress. I've been reading one as part of my stand-up act. And another I am considering submitting to McSweeney's magazine.
Ok that's all for now, cause I'm trying to get work done. Peace.
Brandon
James Town went well. I loved the town and the show. Best bar crowd ever. Speed Racer is a fucking piece of shit. I believe the world to be a slightly worse place than it used to be because someone approved that script for shooting. Forgetting Sarah Marshal is a wonderfull movie. The Visitor is good as well. I want to see Fist Foot First. And I of course cannot wait for Dark Knight.
Ok. And now for blog #3:
Quaint Little Coffee Shop got into the Del Close Marathon! The Del Close Marathon is a 72-hour improv festival that happens every year in NYC! The Marathon is from August 8-10th and besides us, features the likes of Amy Poehler, Seth Myers, Horatio Sans, Andy Daly, Chris Gethard, Derrick Comedy, and lots of other funny mother-fuckers. OUR show will take place on August 9th at 3:30PM at the Hudson Guild Theatre. It would be a fun show for you to come to see. Good space. Good Evironment. Entrance fee is $20, but this grants you admission to shows for the entire 72 hours! So, that's pretty cool.
Getting into the marathon was a big deal for us. Between that, Austin, starting 301 with Charlie Todd, and doing shows around Jersey, I'm gonna get to do a lot of cool improv and comedy stuff this summer.
I've also been writing as much as I can. I've written a couple of essays, all in working progress. I've been reading one as part of my stand-up act. And another I am considering submitting to McSweeney's magazine.
Ok that's all for now, cause I'm trying to get work done. Peace.
Brandon
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
First post
Everyone's doing blogs these days, so I figured I'd join the band-wagon. I'm not sure how often I'm update, but I just want to have an outlet to let out thoughts when I need to. This first post will just cover a few things that are important in my life right now.
Sketch and stand-up comedy. I'll be performing in James Town this weekend with my friends Boris and Jeff. Jeff and I will each be doing about twenty minutes of our stand-up acts. Boris will be hosting. In between our individual acts, the three of us will do some of our sketches we've written together. Should be awesome! We're also probably going to do some three-person improv at the end of our set, which is something I've never done for an audience. Our show will be part of an all-weekend Lucy-Desi Comedy Tribute Fest, which is hilarious. None of our acts have anything to do with the show I Love Lucy. And, judging from the event website, we are one of the only acts that has nothing to do with the show I love Lucy. That is the second best thing about the show this weekend. The first best thing is that we are getting paid $100 each.
Also, sketch-wise, I have an almsot finished series of sketches featuring the rapper DMX. These sketches include several for film and one for stage. Due to certain circumstances, I do not know when these will be produced. But they will be produced. And the world will feel a jolt. I'll probably also be filming some sketches with ManVsComedy (Boris, Jeff, and I) this summer as well a few with my friend Sahil Patel. So stay tuned to your youtube, planet earth. Cause we're commin'.
Long-Form Improv Comedy. My improv group Quaint Little Coffee Shop has just been selected to perform in the Out of Bounds Improv and Sketch Festival in Austin Texas. I'm super excited! I can't describe how proud of the group I am. We did five shows this year and the last was certainly our best. I can't wait to show Texas what QLCS is all about. I am also in a group called And More! Improv, which has three members in common with QLCS, and we are planning some joint shows with the two groups this summer. So, look out for those!
Also, I just signed up for Improv 301 at UCB with Charlie Todd. Truth.
So, that's it for important things I guess. I've also been pondering these questions:
How come you don't see a lot of novels re-written? People are re-making movies all the time to put their own creative vision on an already-existing story. Why don't people try this with novels?
Does anyone prefer Manhatten clam chowder over New England clam chowder?
Why does anyone work at Panera? Why do I work at Panera? They have pretty good soup. But, still...
That is all for today.
Love,
Brandon
Sketch and stand-up comedy. I'll be performing in James Town this weekend with my friends Boris and Jeff. Jeff and I will each be doing about twenty minutes of our stand-up acts. Boris will be hosting. In between our individual acts, the three of us will do some of our sketches we've written together. Should be awesome! We're also probably going to do some three-person improv at the end of our set, which is something I've never done for an audience. Our show will be part of an all-weekend Lucy-Desi Comedy Tribute Fest, which is hilarious. None of our acts have anything to do with the show I Love Lucy. And, judging from the event website, we are one of the only acts that has nothing to do with the show I love Lucy. That is the second best thing about the show this weekend. The first best thing is that we are getting paid $100 each.
Also, sketch-wise, I have an almsot finished series of sketches featuring the rapper DMX. These sketches include several for film and one for stage. Due to certain circumstances, I do not know when these will be produced. But they will be produced. And the world will feel a jolt. I'll probably also be filming some sketches with ManVsComedy (Boris, Jeff, and I) this summer as well a few with my friend Sahil Patel. So stay tuned to your youtube, planet earth. Cause we're commin'.
Long-Form Improv Comedy. My improv group Quaint Little Coffee Shop has just been selected to perform in the Out of Bounds Improv and Sketch Festival in Austin Texas. I'm super excited! I can't describe how proud of the group I am. We did five shows this year and the last was certainly our best. I can't wait to show Texas what QLCS is all about. I am also in a group called And More! Improv, which has three members in common with QLCS, and we are planning some joint shows with the two groups this summer. So, look out for those!
Also, I just signed up for Improv 301 at UCB with Charlie Todd. Truth.
So, that's it for important things I guess. I've also been pondering these questions:
How come you don't see a lot of novels re-written? People are re-making movies all the time to put their own creative vision on an already-existing story. Why don't people try this with novels?
Does anyone prefer Manhatten clam chowder over New England clam chowder?
Why does anyone work at Panera? Why do I work at Panera? They have pretty good soup. But, still...
That is all for today.
Love,
Brandon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)