Some comedy things I would like to talk about

Some comedy things have been happening lately both with me and in the world in general, and I would like to discuss them. I'll start with the me things.

1. I met and performed with Darrel Hamond. That's right, he showed up to that New Artist Showcase I did at Caroline’s Comedy Club last week. He did a set, and while he was performing, he gave me his bag to hold! After his set, when he retrieved his bag, he said "Good set, by the way" to me. It was like in a movie.

2. I am going to be in a staged reading at UCB theatre on Oct. 13th at 6:30 PM. My sketch 201 class will be reading some of the sketches we've been work-shopping the last six weeks. At least two of my sketches will be read. The show is only $5 and there will be two dollar beers for your enjoyment! If you come for my show and stay for Maude night, you will see A TOTAL OF three and a half hours of sketch comedy for A TOTAL OF ten dollars! Do that. I would.

3. I am opening for Bo Burnham on November 3rd! He is being booked by Rutgers, my old University, and I was booked to open for him along with Jeff Kornberg, Edwin Stabert, and John Bander! For those of you who don't know who Bo Burnham is, check out this funny video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LzgYWCgkZk. I'll be sharing a stage with him soon!

4. The QLCS show I was in Friday went very well. It was easily better than every show we did over the summer and is in the top three QLCS shows, if not my favorite. For those of us who remember and can differentiate between all of the 9 QLCS shows, that is. The sentence was only applicable if Chris Polansky is reading this blog. Our next show is next Friday, October 10th at 8PM, and you should come because the group is getting better.

5. I wrote 25 sketches in the month of September. To be fair, some of them were based off ideas I came up with during the Austin trip, which was before September. And a couple were sketches I wrote in class with a writing partner. But, that's still 25 new sketches. So, go me.

And now, comedy things in the world.

1. Mother ended. UCBs longest running show had it's finale on Saturday. I was in the audience. I've seen them maybe 6 or 7 times and I think this was the best. They did about an hour and a half of improv and earned like a 4 minute Standing-O when it was over. It was probably one of the most memorable, funny, and also emotional shows I've ever seen. Some of them were crying at the end. And it made me think how awesome it would be to work with people for so long and get that close to each other all while making comedy. It's pretty beautiful.

2. Bobby Moynihan joined the cast of SNL this year. Although the two episodes I've seen were not the best, he is doing awesomely. I fully predict him to become an SNL star in the vein of Chris Farley.

3. Derrick Comedy, a New York-based sketch and improv group, has filmed a feature film! It hasn't found a distributer yet, but they have a trailer up online. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxx1vOhlqmM. Check it out!

Ok, that's it for now.

Brandon

Roger Ebert 2

So, in order to be the first blogger ever to deticate two posts in a row to film critic Roger Ebert, I direct you to this essay that ponders to necessity and vallidity of critics. It is a good read, very well written.

http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/2008/09/critic_is_a_fourletter_word.html

Roger Ebert

Roger Ebert is my favorite film reviewer and probably my favorite pop culture writer of any kind. I've been reading his reviews for about six year now and always find them extremely stimulating. Because of his awesome website (rogerebert.com) I've also been able to go into his archives and read his old reviews of my favorite films. He is probably the best at discussing movies out of anyone I know of. Even if I disagree with his opinion, I can usually tell if I'd want to see a movie based on his description of it. I just have huge respect for anyone who loves something enough to do it for fifty years, and does it so well.

Also on his site is a bi-weekly question/answer segment called "The Answer Man", in which you can ask Roger Ebert any film question you want and he will answer some of them online. I've sent him a few questions and had one of them answered once. I've read almost all of these segments over the last six years I've been reading Ebert. There are a lot of entertaining ones.

He recieved the following question on Friday. It is one of the most ridiculous ones I've seen.



Question: Y o dude, u missed out on "Disaster Movie," a hardcore laugh-ur-@zz-off movie! Y U not review this movie!? It was funny as #ell! Prolly the funniest movie of the summer! U never review these, wat up wit dat?
S.J. Stanczak, Chicago




Roger Ebert: Hey, bro, I wuz buzier than $#i+, @d they never shoed it b4 hand. I peeped in the IMDb and saw it zoomed to #1 as the low$ie$t flic of all time, wit @ lame-@zz UZer Rating of 1.3. U liked it? Wat up wit dat?



I sincerely hope this corespondence continues.

An IM Convo With My Friend Sahil

Brandon (1:46:16 AM): ooo

Brandon (1:46:36 AM): did you hear adam sandler is signed in the god father remake?

Sahil (1:46:45 AM): WHAAAAT

Brandon (1:46:46 AM): for the brother

Sahil (1:46:52 AM): which one?!

Brandon (1:47:04 AM): sony

Sahil (1:47:18 AM): that is very interesting

Sahil (1:47:23 AM): luke wilson is playing michael right?

Brandon (1:47:26 AM): yeah

Sahil (1:47:29 AM): and seth green is writing it

Brandon (1:48:03 AM): and julia roberts is working the boom mic

Brandon (1:48:09 AM): should be a really good movie

Sahil (1:48:18 AM): fo sho fo sho

Sahil (1:48:28 AM): probably should win all the oscars for the next 29 years

Brandon (1:49:00 AM): well maybe the next 14..

Brandon (1:49:08 AM): the remake of godfather 2

Brandon (1:49:18 AM): schedueled for next summer

Brandon (1:49:27 AM): will win the 14 after that

Sahil (1:49:31 AM): OH SHIT YEAH

Sahil (1:49:37 AM): it all takes place in a circus

Sahil (1:49:44 AM): youre right

Sahil (1:49:56 AM): i remember reading about that!

Brandon (1:50:10 AM): in that movie, bob barker is playing de niros role

Brandon (1:50:20 AM): and de niro is playing a hermit

Sahil (1:50:29 AM): you know i always knew it had to be that way

Brandon (1:50:43 AM): me too girlfriend

Reasons To Avoid Playing Checkers With A Lion

1. You're gonna get bitten, silly!

2. Lions have very large hands and very poor hand-eye coordination. They will constantly mess up the board!

3. Checkers is a simplified version of chess which is a simplified version of combat. Animals, such as lions, run on base instincts and will instinctively believe they are at war with you. Make sure there's no guns around Mister!

4. Your wife or girlfriend will see you playing checkers with the lion and, in a sit-com like fashion, will always assume the worst of you. Bestiality gets you 5-10!

5. Due to man's superior brain power, you will almost always win. It's no fun being a lion with an ever slipping self-esteem.

A Favorite Picture of Me

Wait a minute...the fence, the position of the depository, Lee's firing experience, the car was moving away from him...there couldn't have been one shooter! That's me in Dallas.

The Gulya Blasters

This is just a story I've been wanting to get down in print somewhere. It's about my brothers and I when we were kids. Enjoy.


The Gulya Blasters


Most people who know my three brothers and I know that we did some pretty ridiculous things when I was growing up. Everyone plays make believe games, but we took this some pretty crazy levels. Starting when I was about eight year old, my brothers and I would embark on business ventures, get rich schemes, and fantasies of detail that, in hindsight, still kind of impresses me.

A lot of this was because I was pretty obsessed with watching TV. And I unfortunately, but fortunately because of the stories it created, usually believed that I was capable of doing what people were capable of doing on television. For example, when I was in the fifth-grade I watched the movie My Cousin Vinny and convinced myself for a long time that I was going to be a lawyer. I would involve my brothers and sometimes my entire family in elaborate courtroom enactments. There was never any preparation in the area of a set story or agreement on the facts of our "cases". We merely decided on a crime one of my brothers was being "accused" of, which were sometimes as meaningless as stealing cookies but sometimes actual crimes like grand theft and murder. I would always be the lawyer prosecuting him. Since there were no set “facts” of these cases, there was no way for whoever was playing judge to actually decide who was right, so every ruling was arbitrary. We used evidence that we literally created on the spot. More than once I incorporated Joe Pescis’ "How long does it take to cook a grit?" monologue which I had completely memorized, twisting whatever our story was to invent a context for it. The longest example of one of these trials was when my youngest brother Andrew was accused of assassinating President John F. Kennedy, a crime of which he was convicted.

A further venture involved me leading my brother Robert on a voyage to the end of a creek in the woods near our house after watching the movie In Thin Air: The Voyage of Mount Everest. We dressed in coats and hiking boots, as if we were going on the most dangerous of missions, but we were just walking along a creak in the middle of the fall. There was this huge detail in the movie about the leader of the Everest Mission insisting that they stop at a certain point every night, so they remain safe and do not get frostbit. So, I wouldn’t insist on stopping after an arbitrary amount of time each day we walked along this creek. And the next day, we would just start from the beginning again. We finished this voyage inside a week.

Another had me campaigning against my brothers to elect the President of the family. Everyone in my family received one vote and all four of us would vote for ourselves, forcing my parents to cast the deciding votes. At separate points, the four of us made plans to finance our own chocolate factory and start our own fast food restaurant chain. In the latter example, all of my sandwich ideas were literally rip-offs of McDonalds sandwiches; my favorites being the "Big Foot Sandwich", which was exactly like a Big Mac, and the Double Big Foot Sandwich, which was exactly like a Big Mac with four patties instead of two. Although I did have an original idea for "Pancake Nuggets", which were small nuggets of pancake, filled with syrup.

All of our miss-adventures contained two interesting common details. One is that I was always the leader of our operations. I always insisted on being the manager, or president or lead singer (Yes, there was once a Gulya Family Band called "The Friends", inspired by Zach Moris' Band “Zach Attack” on that one episode of Saved by the Bell). The other is that my three brothers, despite the impossibilities of whatever my most recent plan was, would immediately and without the slightest hesitation agree to be a part of it. All of our plots involved lots of preparation, and our enthusiasm was always 100 percent invested for those weeks before we gave up on them. At age ten, my focus and time-management skills were far better than they are today. And I often wish I could put the kind of determination into any of my current projects that I once put into making my own Batman movie.

My favorite of our “make believe” schemes is also the greatest business venture I have ever been, or will ever be, involved in. This was the day my brothers and I started a window washing corporation in my back yard.

Yes, I said Window Washing Corporation. A company made up of workers who wash windows.

We started a corporation because during this particular summer I was OBSESSED with starting my own corporation. And we always did whatever I was obsessed with. It was that simple. I do not know which old movie or cheesy TV show told my eleven year old mind to choose a window washing company as my business venture, or why I thought there was great wealth to be found in washing windows, where, in all reality, the exact opposite is true. But, I do remember exactly how I created our window-washing solution.

I was playing in the sand-box in our back yard one day, thinking about the corporation I wanted to start, when I discovered a rock that was covered in dirt. I took my bucket, which was filled with water and a little bit of sand, and poured it over my rock. The rock was washed clean. I had discovered the secret!

The next thing I remember is us preparing for our first job. I apparently went to my brothers with my bucket of water and sand and said “Guys, I figured out how we’re going to do this,” and they immediately accepted it, because I next thing I knew we were filling buckets with this stuff and asking my parents if we could wash all of the windows on the front porch. My parents had always tried really hard to nurture me even through all of my ridiculous plans, so they couldn’t just tell me flat out that my idea would not work. So, in a gesture that defies all logic, my parents allowed me to wash the front porch windows with a mixture of water and sand.

And thusly, our corporation began. I, of course, was the President. There was soon a sign on the door to my room that read “Brandon’s Office”. I gave each of my three employees official positions like “district manager” and “chairman” which were just business terms I had heard thrown around.

We decided to call our-selves the Gulya Blasters. MY FAVORITE DETAIL about this entire operation (and perhaps my favorite detail about anything I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life) is that we originally wanted to call ourselves the Gulya Busters, but changed to the Gulya Blasters because we feared suit from either The Ghost Busters or Dust Buster.

Our first big job went off almost without a hitch. It basically consisted of us dirtying the windows with our solution and then rinsing it off. We were so proud of ourselves. The next thing I did was announce to my parents my plans to take the Gulya Blasters around the neighborhood. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to be a good parent, trying to be supportive, but not wanting to be known as the one who let their son walk into stranger’s houses to spray their windows with mud. Somehow they convinced me that it was better to keep it at home for now, saying something about not wanting the business to grow too quickly. They also convinced me to use actual cleaning products when cleaning the windows at our house, using the delicate and ingenious word-choice of telling me to wait until I “perfected my formula.”

We only had two major squabbles during the length of this corportation. One was because of my finacial skills. I put such effort into deciding the wages I would pay my employees and eventually recieved a comically small amount of our earnings myself. This made me very upset and, I am ashamed to reveal, began to effect my work. The other was due to my power-hunger near the end of our run. Robert, during one job, used a scrub brush instead of a paper towl to wash a few windows, after I had insisted that we would use paper towls. I placed him on a leave of absense. I don't think he's been madder at me since. I am proud, howver, that as an eleven year old boy I knew what "leave of absense" meant.

We kept the Gulya Blasters going all through at summer and on and off through the following year. It eventually ended when I was in middle school and lost interest.

Whenever my brothers and I chat and talk about our business venture of long ago, we always describe it as a success. And in some ways, I would still swear more allegiance to the Gulya Blasters than any organization I have been a part of since.

62

Yesterday was the tenth anniversary of Mark McGuire hitting his 62nd home run in 1998.

That's crazy, isn't it? I was in the seventh grade for that. It is almost impossible to record how big of a deal that was. My entire family was nuts during the last third of that season. My entire school was nuts. You couldn't go anywhere without hearing about the home run Mark McGuire or Sammy Sosa hit last night.What made that race really awesome, really worthy of remembering forever, was how wholesome it was. Or as it turns out, how wholesome it seemed.

Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were not enemies. They sang each others praises in interviews, they hugged after McGuire was the first to reach 62. They had no ill-will toward each other and no ill-will toward Roger Maris, the man who's record they were attempting to beat. It was race with nothing but good will and sportsmanship attached to it. It was an achievement we could all believe in. The way everyone got this last summer about Michael Phelps, was nothing compared to how America felt about Mark and Sammy. That summer and fall of '98 is probably the most consistent good news about one particular subject I've been subjected to. It was a good time to be a kid. And a good time to be a baseball fan.

It's sad that we now know about the steroids. It figures, I guess. That was such an awesome, pure thing that I guess it couldn't have been real.

Ways To Use a Dildo That Aren't Sexual

Here it is. The very anticipated list "Ways To Use a Dildo That Aren't Sexual. Enjoy.

1. Dip it in ink and write with it!

2. Play fetch with your German Sheppard!

3. You got a battery, some wires, and a little light bulb? Can anyone say makeshift flashlight?!

4. Give your neighborhood police man a new night stick for Christmas!

5. Turn your horse, or friend, into a unicorn!

6. Put it next to the popsicle and hot dog in your "looks like a small tree branch" collection!

7. Stick six of those guys together, and your blind friend has a new cane!

8. Dress it up in a tiny leather jacket, name it Arthur Fonzarelli, and have it teach cool things to your other dildos like how to turn a juke box on just by knocking on it!



Who says dildos only serve one purpose?! Go out there and try these guys and dolls! Please comment on this blog every time you do and write about your experience!

The Republican National Convention

Remember when you were in middle school and two popular kids would fight in the parking lot and everyone would circle around them watching anxiously? That's how the little boy inside of me feels about politics right now.

I've been a bad Democrat this year. For someone with mostly liberal point of views, I got to see very little of the democratic convention, and have seen much much more of the Republican side. But, I think that's more or less understandable since I was in Texas with no television FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.

When I say that I am a Democrat, let me explain. I am more accurately described as an independent. I do not automatically vote Democrat and always like to hear both sides of every argument and every election. I try not to jump to conclusions. It's just that after hearing both sides I USUALLY side with the Democrats more so than the Republicans. For example, most of my friends immediately hated Palin as soon as she was announced as McCain's running mate. They hated her for the reasons that were immediately apparent. Choosing her was an obvious political move. She came out of nowhere. She has little experience. Etc. I was not immediately against her and was willing to give her a fair chance. That having been said, when I did get to look into her stances and views more thoroughly, I disagreed with almost all of them.

Getting to the convention, McCain and Palin were the dull points for me. Even disagreeing with all the points made, I can tell the difference between a good speech and a bad speech. And theirs were not very good. McCain, for one, didn't tell us anything we didn't already about him. He accepted the praise given to him and then basically just joined in praising his own views, without making much effort to actually move us or appeal to us emotionally.

Similarly, Palin's was equally disappointing, especially following Huckabee and Giuliani. I stated in a previous post that I liked Huckabee's speech very much. I would never want him as a leader, but he was powerful, funny, and interesting to listen to. He was very good at inspiring members of the Republican Party and united them behind McCain. Giuliani, to a lesser extent, was good for the same reasons. I hated some of the things he said but God Damned if he can't get people riled up. He made up for the horribleness of his own campaign by delivering a pretty good speech that only continued one September 11th reference. That was good for him.

What Huckabee and Giuliani were also good at was their defense of Palin. There are a lot of bad things I think you can say about her, but Huckabee and Giuliani pointed out the cheap shots made at her and dismissed them. They talked about her "lack of experience" and compared it the Obama who, when it comes to leadership on a big scale, may have less. They pointed out the worst criticism of Palin I've heard: "How will she take care of her children?" Giuliani responded simply to this, "Who ever says that about the Men?" They addressed everything they needed to about the attacks against Vice President Nominee, Sara Palin, and made me, for one, ready to listen to her.

And then Palin did little more than re-state their defenses with much less skill and charisma, leaving me thinking "Ok, she's not inexperienced. She's just boring." After the words of Huckabee and Giuliani, she was given the chance to put the bullshit behind her and just address her actual views and ideas. She didn't do that. The rest of her very long speech was spent expressing the same ideals as most of the speakers in the Republican Convention.

Now that both conventions are over, I cannot wait for the debates. Obama is a brilliant speaker and McCain is surrounded by such an aura of Military hero ship. This should be a fun fight to watch.

Reasons No One Reads This Blog

1. I haven't really told anyone about it! That's true. I guess I'm just a modest, small-town, suburb guy trying to make it in an arrogant, big-city guy world.

2. People don't like reading! It's stupid!

3. Computers are dumb. Dildos are more fun! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")

4. My blog is boring! I am not skilled with URL and have no idea how to make an interesting format. I'm just a writer. And writers are lame-O-rific!

5. No one knows who I am. Famous people's blogs are more fun!

6. I seldom use big words like "incredulous" or "inflamitory".

7. I make jokes about comic books and awkward relationships, not jokes about tractors and dildos like Larry the Cable Guy! (However, stay tune for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")

2 Square

I saw them again tonight. They were, as always, awesome. It is ACTUALLY unfair how good they are. I’ve seen them like six or seven times now and they continue to be not only the best improv group I’ve seen but probably one of the funniest comedy acts of seen period, and maybe one of the most exciting live acts I’ve seen of any kind.

After returning from the show, I turned on the Republican National Convention in time to see Mike Huckabee’s speech. Now, I support Obama and in no way do I want McCain to be President, but God dammit shoot me in the face, Huckabee’s speech was good wasn’t it?


Expect more political posts as the election month draws near. And go to see 2 square (sometimes they perform as 3 square) the next time you get the chance.

LISTS

People love them! Here are some reasons why.

1. They're easy to write!

2. They enable the writer to easily slip in cheap jokes and observations (Prostitutes have sex with people for money!)

3. They require very little reading. And reading is boring!

4. They can provide a contrast that cause one to think of something in a new light. Especially dildos! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")

5. They statisfy one's craving for a structured numeric system.

Who Will Be Batman?

So, it is common knowlege at this point that Nolan has stated for the record that he will only do three Batman movies. And Christian Bale is only signed on for three as well. If the recent Tim Burtan Batman series is any sign, Warner Brothers is going to want to keep making these movies even after Nolan and Bale has stopped. So the real question is, who will be the next Batman after Christian Bale?

I would just like to put it out there that if they are struggling to find someone, I will step up to the plate and do it. I don't think I have much going on two or three years from now and I would be more than up for the challenge. I can be tough. I can growl. I can fight criminals and deliver awesome lines like "I am not the hero Gotham needs right now." If you are a Warner Brother Executive and you are reading this, I am game for the job. Have someone contact me. Now we just need to find a director.

Maybe the REAL real question is, is this actually common knowlege? Or is it just loser knowlege? Answer: I don't care.

Sincerely,
Brandon

PS: In all seriousness I would not endorse a continuation of this Batman series without Nolan. He has made the best super hero movie of all-time and is a great director. If he thinks the series has come to an end, they should respect that. However, if it must happen, I am the man for the role.

Back from Texas!

Hey guys!

Texas was really fun! For those of you who don't remember, I drove to Texas for a week to perform with my group Quaint Little Coffee shop at The Austin Out of Bounds Coemdy Festival. We all grew really close during the trip and were SUPER-PSYCHED for our show by the time it came around. The trip itself was also hilarious and fun, and I'm sure you will continue to read about it here in the form of longer essays for some time to come.

Right now, I will give you this one insight. There was an improv group performing at this festival called The Weisenheimers. We did not get to see their show, as we had to leave a few days prior, and have not ever seen weisenheimer perform. So, this paragraph is not in any way a comment on the actual group, The Weisenheimers. But we thought this was a hilarious name for a group and began to create characters similating what we thought a group like this wold be like. On the way home, after driving for 23 hours and struggling for ways to waste time, Lou and I ended up improvising a 40-minute long radio show as The Weisenheimer characters we had concocted. Afterward, we realised we had basically just done another full improv set. And this was probably my favorite improv I'd done in a while. Long road trips affect everyone in different ways, and I guess this is how it affects us.

Another reason I am proud of this trip is that I succeeded in my goal of writing a sketch every day during it. Actually more. I have eleven new sketches. Some of them shitty. Some of them good. Upon my return to Jersey Saturday night, I discovered an event called "Sketch Writing Month in September" between comics in the New York area. So I resolved to continue my writing kick through December and will hopefully have over 40 brand new sketches by the end of this month!

I hesitate to post sketches on this sight right now, for copywright reasons. Also, many of them are in my notebook and not yet typed up. But, if anyone would like to swap sketches to read or just offer me some feedback on a couple, please feel free to email me at gulyacomedy@yahoo.com!

Also, I am on another kick currently as well. A comic book reading one! After finishing Alan Moore's great "The Watchmen" I have read two Batman books: Moore's The Killing joke, and Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. If anyone wants to talk about these, please contact me as well.

That is all. Thank you for reading this. I sincerely appreciate it.

Brandon Gulya