Here it is. The very anticipated list "Ways To Use a Dildo That Aren't Sexual. Enjoy.
1. Dip it in ink and write with it!
2. Play fetch with your German Sheppard!
3. You got a battery, some wires, and a little light bulb? Can anyone say makeshift flashlight?!
4. Give your neighborhood police man a new night stick for Christmas!
5. Turn your horse, or friend, into a unicorn!
6. Put it next to the popsicle and hot dog in your "looks like a small tree branch" collection!
7. Stick six of those guys together, and your blind friend has a new cane!
8. Dress it up in a tiny leather jacket, name it Arthur Fonzarelli, and have it teach cool things to your other dildos like how to turn a juke box on just by knocking on it!
Who says dildos only serve one purpose?! Go out there and try these guys and dolls! Please comment on this blog every time you do and write about your experience!
Friday, September 5, 2008
The Republican National Convention
Remember when you were in middle school and two popular kids would fight in the parking lot and everyone would circle around them watching anxiously? That's how the little boy inside of me feels about politics right now.
I've been a bad Democrat this year. For someone with mostly liberal point of views, I got to see very little of the democratic convention, and have seen much much more of the Republican side. But, I think that's more or less understandable since I was in Texas with no television FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.
When I say that I am a Democrat, let me explain. I am more accurately described as an independent. I do not automatically vote Democrat and always like to hear both sides of every argument and every election. I try not to jump to conclusions. It's just that after hearing both sides I USUALLY side with the Democrats more so than the Republicans. For example, most of my friends immediately hated Palin as soon as she was announced as McCain's running mate. They hated her for the reasons that were immediately apparent. Choosing her was an obvious political move. She came out of nowhere. She has little experience. Etc. I was not immediately against her and was willing to give her a fair chance. That having been said, when I did get to look into her stances and views more thoroughly, I disagreed with almost all of them.
Getting to the convention, McCain and Palin were the dull points for me. Even disagreeing with all the points made, I can tell the difference between a good speech and a bad speech. And theirs were not very good. McCain, for one, didn't tell us anything we didn't already about him. He accepted the praise given to him and then basically just joined in praising his own views, without making much effort to actually move us or appeal to us emotionally.
Similarly, Palin's was equally disappointing, especially following Huckabee and Giuliani. I stated in a previous post that I liked Huckabee's speech very much. I would never want him as a leader, but he was powerful, funny, and interesting to listen to. He was very good at inspiring members of the Republican Party and united them behind McCain. Giuliani, to a lesser extent, was good for the same reasons. I hated some of the things he said but God Damned if he can't get people riled up. He made up for the horribleness of his own campaign by delivering a pretty good speech that only continued one September 11th reference. That was good for him.
What Huckabee and Giuliani were also good at was their defense of Palin. There are a lot of bad things I think you can say about her, but Huckabee and Giuliani pointed out the cheap shots made at her and dismissed them. They talked about her "lack of experience" and compared it the Obama who, when it comes to leadership on a big scale, may have less. They pointed out the worst criticism of Palin I've heard: "How will she take care of her children?" Giuliani responded simply to this, "Who ever says that about the Men?" They addressed everything they needed to about the attacks against Vice President Nominee, Sara Palin, and made me, for one, ready to listen to her.
And then Palin did little more than re-state their defenses with much less skill and charisma, leaving me thinking "Ok, she's not inexperienced. She's just boring." After the words of Huckabee and Giuliani, she was given the chance to put the bullshit behind her and just address her actual views and ideas. She didn't do that. The rest of her very long speech was spent expressing the same ideals as most of the speakers in the Republican Convention.
Now that both conventions are over, I cannot wait for the debates. Obama is a brilliant speaker and McCain is surrounded by such an aura of Military hero ship. This should be a fun fight to watch.
I've been a bad Democrat this year. For someone with mostly liberal point of views, I got to see very little of the democratic convention, and have seen much much more of the Republican side. But, I think that's more or less understandable since I was in Texas with no television FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.
When I say that I am a Democrat, let me explain. I am more accurately described as an independent. I do not automatically vote Democrat and always like to hear both sides of every argument and every election. I try not to jump to conclusions. It's just that after hearing both sides I USUALLY side with the Democrats more so than the Republicans. For example, most of my friends immediately hated Palin as soon as she was announced as McCain's running mate. They hated her for the reasons that were immediately apparent. Choosing her was an obvious political move. She came out of nowhere. She has little experience. Etc. I was not immediately against her and was willing to give her a fair chance. That having been said, when I did get to look into her stances and views more thoroughly, I disagreed with almost all of them.
Getting to the convention, McCain and Palin were the dull points for me. Even disagreeing with all the points made, I can tell the difference between a good speech and a bad speech. And theirs were not very good. McCain, for one, didn't tell us anything we didn't already about him. He accepted the praise given to him and then basically just joined in praising his own views, without making much effort to actually move us or appeal to us emotionally.
Similarly, Palin's was equally disappointing, especially following Huckabee and Giuliani. I stated in a previous post that I liked Huckabee's speech very much. I would never want him as a leader, but he was powerful, funny, and interesting to listen to. He was very good at inspiring members of the Republican Party and united them behind McCain. Giuliani, to a lesser extent, was good for the same reasons. I hated some of the things he said but God Damned if he can't get people riled up. He made up for the horribleness of his own campaign by delivering a pretty good speech that only continued one September 11th reference. That was good for him.
What Huckabee and Giuliani were also good at was their defense of Palin. There are a lot of bad things I think you can say about her, but Huckabee and Giuliani pointed out the cheap shots made at her and dismissed them. They talked about her "lack of experience" and compared it the Obama who, when it comes to leadership on a big scale, may have less. They pointed out the worst criticism of Palin I've heard: "How will she take care of her children?" Giuliani responded simply to this, "Who ever says that about the Men?" They addressed everything they needed to about the attacks against Vice President Nominee, Sara Palin, and made me, for one, ready to listen to her.
And then Palin did little more than re-state their defenses with much less skill and charisma, leaving me thinking "Ok, she's not inexperienced. She's just boring." After the words of Huckabee and Giuliani, she was given the chance to put the bullshit behind her and just address her actual views and ideas. She didn't do that. The rest of her very long speech was spent expressing the same ideals as most of the speakers in the Republican Convention.
Now that both conventions are over, I cannot wait for the debates. Obama is a brilliant speaker and McCain is surrounded by such an aura of Military hero ship. This should be a fun fight to watch.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Reasons No One Reads This Blog
1. I haven't really told anyone about it! That's true. I guess I'm just a modest, small-town, suburb guy trying to make it in an arrogant, big-city guy world.
2. People don't like reading! It's stupid!
3. Computers are dumb. Dildos are more fun! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
4. My blog is boring! I am not skilled with URL and have no idea how to make an interesting format. I'm just a writer. And writers are lame-O-rific!
5. No one knows who I am. Famous people's blogs are more fun!
6. I seldom use big words like "incredulous" or "inflamitory".
7. I make jokes about comic books and awkward relationships, not jokes about tractors and dildos like Larry the Cable Guy! (However, stay tune for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
2. People don't like reading! It's stupid!
3. Computers are dumb. Dildos are more fun! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
4. My blog is boring! I am not skilled with URL and have no idea how to make an interesting format. I'm just a writer. And writers are lame-O-rific!
5. No one knows who I am. Famous people's blogs are more fun!
6. I seldom use big words like "incredulous" or "inflamitory".
7. I make jokes about comic books and awkward relationships, not jokes about tractors and dildos like Larry the Cable Guy! (However, stay tune for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
2 Square
I saw them again tonight. They were, as always, awesome. It is ACTUALLY unfair how good they are. I’ve seen them like six or seven times now and they continue to be not only the best improv group I’ve seen but probably one of the funniest comedy acts of seen period, and maybe one of the most exciting live acts I’ve seen of any kind.
After returning from the show, I turned on the Republican National Convention in time to see Mike Huckabee’s speech. Now, I support Obama and in no way do I want McCain to be President, but God dammit shoot me in the face, Huckabee’s speech was good wasn’t it?
Expect more political posts as the election month draws near. And go to see 2 square (sometimes they perform as 3 square) the next time you get the chance.
After returning from the show, I turned on the Republican National Convention in time to see Mike Huckabee’s speech. Now, I support Obama and in no way do I want McCain to be President, but God dammit shoot me in the face, Huckabee’s speech was good wasn’t it?
Expect more political posts as the election month draws near. And go to see 2 square (sometimes they perform as 3 square) the next time you get the chance.
LISTS
People love them! Here are some reasons why.
1. They're easy to write!
2. They enable the writer to easily slip in cheap jokes and observations (Prostitutes have sex with people for money!)
3. They require very little reading. And reading is boring!
4. They can provide a contrast that cause one to think of something in a new light. Especially dildos! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
5. They statisfy one's craving for a structured numeric system.
1. They're easy to write!
2. They enable the writer to easily slip in cheap jokes and observations (Prostitutes have sex with people for money!)
3. They require very little reading. And reading is boring!
4. They can provide a contrast that cause one to think of something in a new light. Especially dildos! (Stay tuned for my upcomming list "Ways to use dildos that aren't sexual!")
5. They statisfy one's craving for a structured numeric system.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Who Will Be Batman?
So, it is common knowlege at this point that Nolan has stated for the record that he will only do three Batman movies. And Christian Bale is only signed on for three as well. If the recent Tim Burtan Batman series is any sign, Warner Brothers is going to want to keep making these movies even after Nolan and Bale has stopped. So the real question is, who will be the next Batman after Christian Bale?
I would just like to put it out there that if they are struggling to find someone, I will step up to the plate and do it. I don't think I have much going on two or three years from now and I would be more than up for the challenge. I can be tough. I can growl. I can fight criminals and deliver awesome lines like "I am not the hero Gotham needs right now." If you are a Warner Brother Executive and you are reading this, I am game for the job. Have someone contact me. Now we just need to find a director.
Maybe the REAL real question is, is this actually common knowlege? Or is it just loser knowlege? Answer: I don't care.
Sincerely,
Brandon
PS: In all seriousness I would not endorse a continuation of this Batman series without Nolan. He has made the best super hero movie of all-time and is a great director. If he thinks the series has come to an end, they should respect that. However, if it must happen, I am the man for the role.
I would just like to put it out there that if they are struggling to find someone, I will step up to the plate and do it. I don't think I have much going on two or three years from now and I would be more than up for the challenge. I can be tough. I can growl. I can fight criminals and deliver awesome lines like "I am not the hero Gotham needs right now." If you are a Warner Brother Executive and you are reading this, I am game for the job. Have someone contact me. Now we just need to find a director.
Maybe the REAL real question is, is this actually common knowlege? Or is it just loser knowlege? Answer: I don't care.
Sincerely,
Brandon
PS: In all seriousness I would not endorse a continuation of this Batman series without Nolan. He has made the best super hero movie of all-time and is a great director. If he thinks the series has come to an end, they should respect that. However, if it must happen, I am the man for the role.
Back from Texas!
Hey guys!
Texas was really fun! For those of you who don't remember, I drove to Texas for a week to perform with my group Quaint Little Coffee shop at The Austin Out of Bounds Coemdy Festival. We all grew really close during the trip and were SUPER-PSYCHED for our show by the time it came around. The trip itself was also hilarious and fun, and I'm sure you will continue to read about it here in the form of longer essays for some time to come.
Right now, I will give you this one insight. There was an improv group performing at this festival called The Weisenheimers. We did not get to see their show, as we had to leave a few days prior, and have not ever seen weisenheimer perform. So, this paragraph is not in any way a comment on the actual group, The Weisenheimers. But we thought this was a hilarious name for a group and began to create characters similating what we thought a group like this wold be like. On the way home, after driving for 23 hours and struggling for ways to waste time, Lou and I ended up improvising a 40-minute long radio show as The Weisenheimer characters we had concocted. Afterward, we realised we had basically just done another full improv set. And this was probably my favorite improv I'd done in a while. Long road trips affect everyone in different ways, and I guess this is how it affects us.
Another reason I am proud of this trip is that I succeeded in my goal of writing a sketch every day during it. Actually more. I have eleven new sketches. Some of them shitty. Some of them good. Upon my return to Jersey Saturday night, I discovered an event called "Sketch Writing Month in September" between comics in the New York area. So I resolved to continue my writing kick through December and will hopefully have over 40 brand new sketches by the end of this month!
I hesitate to post sketches on this sight right now, for copywright reasons. Also, many of them are in my notebook and not yet typed up. But, if anyone would like to swap sketches to read or just offer me some feedback on a couple, please feel free to email me at gulyacomedy@yahoo.com!
Also, I am on another kick currently as well. A comic book reading one! After finishing Alan Moore's great "The Watchmen" I have read two Batman books: Moore's The Killing joke, and Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. If anyone wants to talk about these, please contact me as well.
That is all. Thank you for reading this. I sincerely appreciate it.
Brandon Gulya
Texas was really fun! For those of you who don't remember, I drove to Texas for a week to perform with my group Quaint Little Coffee shop at The Austin Out of Bounds Coemdy Festival. We all grew really close during the trip and were SUPER-PSYCHED for our show by the time it came around. The trip itself was also hilarious and fun, and I'm sure you will continue to read about it here in the form of longer essays for some time to come.
Right now, I will give you this one insight. There was an improv group performing at this festival called The Weisenheimers. We did not get to see their show, as we had to leave a few days prior, and have not ever seen weisenheimer perform. So, this paragraph is not in any way a comment on the actual group, The Weisenheimers. But we thought this was a hilarious name for a group and began to create characters similating what we thought a group like this wold be like. On the way home, after driving for 23 hours and struggling for ways to waste time, Lou and I ended up improvising a 40-minute long radio show as The Weisenheimer characters we had concocted. Afterward, we realised we had basically just done another full improv set. And this was probably my favorite improv I'd done in a while. Long road trips affect everyone in different ways, and I guess this is how it affects us.
Another reason I am proud of this trip is that I succeeded in my goal of writing a sketch every day during it. Actually more. I have eleven new sketches. Some of them shitty. Some of them good. Upon my return to Jersey Saturday night, I discovered an event called "Sketch Writing Month in September" between comics in the New York area. So I resolved to continue my writing kick through December and will hopefully have over 40 brand new sketches by the end of this month!
I hesitate to post sketches on this sight right now, for copywright reasons. Also, many of them are in my notebook and not yet typed up. But, if anyone would like to swap sketches to read or just offer me some feedback on a couple, please feel free to email me at gulyacomedy@yahoo.com!
Also, I am on another kick currently as well. A comic book reading one! After finishing Alan Moore's great "The Watchmen" I have read two Batman books: Moore's The Killing joke, and Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. If anyone wants to talk about these, please contact me as well.
That is all. Thank you for reading this. I sincerely appreciate it.
Brandon Gulya
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